two

dream I
i was living in a co-op townhouse situation and was having trouble with one of the other famillies that lived there. a single mom with an impossible number of children (8 or more) of varying ages from infancy up to pre-teen was being very irresponsible and neglectful of them. one day one of the kids knocked on my door and said there was a problem in their house and could i come help? so i walked over and she directed me upstairs. i went into the one of the bedrooms and there, propped up in the corner like a kind of oversized doll, was one of the older girls - 9 or so - dead. the smaller children were crawling all over her lap and combing her hair and putting gold lipstick on her. she looked kind of like an egyptian queen or something.

i became very enraged. no one could tell me how she died. and the mom wasn't home (of course). so i decided i would hunt her down and began walking down towards a shopping centre in the area. as i got nearer, i had to cross a very busy highway situation and there in the middle of the road was a shopping trolley with another one of her kids - this one not more than 2 years old - just sitting in it, abandoned, and crying hysterically. i rushed over and picked him up and pushed the cart across the street. i then stormed all through the strip mall looking for her. i finally found her in a hair salon getting her nails done or something. i shoved the baby into her lap and started yelling at her. "your oldest daughter is dead and your younger children are in danger and you're here getting your make-up done? what the fuck is your problem, lady?" her demeanor was flippant and uncaring and i wanted to smash her face in. instead i pulled out my cellphone and started to dial 911. then i woke up.

dream II
i was in the lounge area of a huge fancy hotel (i think it was called 'the regent'). i was sitting at a table, naked, and seated across from me was naked jeff goldblum (shuttup). i slowly came to the realization that this was some kind of swinging sex club thing happening, and he was my date. it was very exciting! i got up to get myself another drink from the bar because the waitress hadn't been around for a while and jeff said he didn't feel comfortable standing up "right that second" (again, shuttup). when i got to the bar, i was ordering my drink, when i heard a woman behind me say, "look at that disgusting fat cow over there. who let her in? i thought this place screened their participants. the quality of clientele is really going to shit. god, seriously." and her friend said, "yeah, ew. who feels like fucking when you have to look at that beforehand?"

this infuriated me. after i got my drink i turned around to look them in the eyes. they were your typical tight bodied bleach blonde LA aspiring actresses. i stalked (and jiggled) my way over to their table and said, "who are you two to talk, you scrawny bimbos? you WISH you could make your fake tans look as good as i make my fat look. if you were smart you wouldn't try to pick on a woman twice your size, either. you're as dumb as you are talentless."

they threw a few more insults my way as i walked back to the table where jeff was waiting for me. he was furious.

"you're not just going to take that from them, are you?"

"what?"

"well, they're still over there, looking at you and snickering and pointing at you. you should put a stop to it once and for all."

"you really think so?"

he nodded.

i thought it over for a couple of minutes. then i downed my drink in one fell swoop, stood up, and walked back over to their table. only one of them was missing. her compatriot said, "you got a problem, fatty?"

"where's your friend?"

"she went to the powder room. why?"

i ignored her and walked into the ladies room. just as i opened the door, the woman i was after was walking out. "what do you want?" she said. "to kick your ass," i replied. i only meant to rough her up a bit, scare her into shutting up. for some reason i had a handful of those tiny, multicoloured, crumbly wax birthday candles. she was backing away from me, up against a wall, and i threw a couple of candles at her, that hit her in the face. she said, "what the hell, what are you doing?" i suddenly grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her. then i smacked the back of her head against the wall. to my surprise, it made a very wet cracking noise and she slumped in my hands. i let her go and she slid downwards, leaving a smear of brains on the wall behind her. i'd killed her. weirdly satisfied i shoved the rest of the birthday candles i'd been holding in my hand into her gaping mouth. then i walked out and back to the table.

"what happened?" asked jeff goldblum, "did you beat her up?"

i nodded, the shock setting in. "yeah. and...uh....i think i actually killed her."

he choked on his beverage. "you...what? you killed her?"

i nodded again, taking a sip from my own drink. "not on purpose. i banged her head against the wall and her skull just cracked open. i didn't mean to."

at this point several of the other naked patrons were listening to our conversation. one of them said, "well, good for you, honey...she was a total fucking bitch."

other people started to clap a little. her friend stood up and said, "hey, look, i'm sorry about my friend, she had too much to drink. her behaviour was inexcusable. i don't blame you all for hating her. i just went along with what she said because she was such a bully."

i looked a jeff. he was very amused by everything. he said, "well, we need to do something with her body." the bartender said, "we can keep it in the walk-in cooler for now?" he and jeff walked into the women's room and came out a moment later dragging the corpse behind them. it left a trail of brains and blood behind it. jeff came and sat down with me again, put his big hand over mine. i was shaking and in shock. jeff said, quietly and leaning in over the table, "you know, christa, i think too many people know about this now. we're going to have to do something about that."

"wh...what do you mean?"

"kill them too. kill them all."

"seriously?"

he nodded.

he stood up and made a small speech about how we need to actually move the body down into the basement of the hotel. and since we all agreed that the world was better off without that type of female in it, we were all partly responsible for her death, and therefore partly responsible for hiding the evidence and protecting me from the authorities. everyone agreed, and put on their clothes, and the trek down to the underbelly of the hotel, with the dead woman's body on a make-shift gurney (kitchen trolley, covered with a table cloth).

when we got to the basment, jeff opened up a pair of double doors and lead us all into a huge storage area. it was filled with junk and clutter and old furniture and shelves covered in useless stuff. before i knew what was happening, he'd grabbed a small woodcutter's hatchet from one of the shelves, turned on the bartender, and began hacking him apart. "come on, christa! now! do it now!" people realized what was going on and a woman near me tried to run away. in desperation i grabbled a pair of rusty scissors and went at her back with them. it was hard to stab with them, especially as they became slippery with blood. people had made it back to the double doors but somehow jeff had locked them. it didn't take long. we cut everyone down. it was a gore-fest. both of us were drenched in blood. the only other people left standing were a pair of teenagers, one girl and one boy, and jeff allowed them to live because when they'd realized what was happening they gleefully began to help us.

i sat down hard on the cement floor and started to cry. jeff came over and said, "look, i know it's hard your first time."

"i just feel so guilty and sick, i can't believe i did this."

the teen girl smiled lovingly at me and said, "everyone feels that way at first. don't worry, you'll get over it."

the boy said, "yeah, you'll feel better tomorrow. don't worry. i threw up the first time i killed someone but in a couple of days i was totally over it."

jeff helped me stand up. he put his coat around me and helped me step around all the bodies as we walked towards the door. "let's go up to our room. i'll get you into the bath and tuck you into bed. don't worry about a thing. i'll take care of you." i let him lead me away from the nightmare.

suddenly i was in bed with him. the sheets were white, we were clean, the sun was shining in through the sheer curtains. he was brushing my hair back from my forehead. i was talking to him about an interview i'd read where he'd been talking about how important your appearance is in hollywood.

"do you really believe what you said? that people who aren't conventionally attractive can never truly be movie stars?"

he nodded.

"so, me? i could never be one?"

he shook his head.

"well, that's stupid, and mean! and uniformed! look at....look at philip seymour hoffman. he's not attractive in a conventional sense but he's very successful!"

"oh, the rule doesn't apply to men, at all," he laughed.

"so it's sexist, too!"

he nodded. "but don't worry, babycakes. i would never want you to be a movie star, anyway. your beauty is too special for that sort of vulgar career and lifestyle. no. i like to keep your sexiness and gorgeousness to myself. all those skinny bitches are on coke and speed and don't know how to cook, anyway."

and then i climbed on top of him and we had amazing sex.

the end.