so this morning i had a very strange dream. i'd woken up to my alarm but hit snooze and immediately drifted into that half-sleep state i tend to hover in once that happens. i felt that i might have been awake, even, but of course i wasn't. in the dream i was laying in bed in the dawnlight, and i decided to masturbate before i got up. i reached down inside a cloth bag that was next to me on the bed, which contained my vulva. i remember thinking how strange it was that i'd cut off my vulva and stored it beside the bed instead of just keeping it attached to my body. anyway i started to masturbate and i could feel every pleasurable sensation even though it was seperate from me. however the creepiness of it was preventing me from really enjoying myself and eventually my thoughts turned to wondering how i was going to keep my vulva from decomposing in the cloth sack and how i was probably going to have to see a doctor and possibly even end up in a psychiatric facility because no well woman would actually do that to herself. these thoughts (and other, even more disjointed ones) finally made the attempt at self-pleasure totally impossible and i could not achieve climax. so i folded the little bag up and put it away on my nightstand.

i went into the bathroom and when i looked in the mirror i was shocked to see my entire lower body was covered in blood. so the amputation had been recent, maybe even as recent as last night. strange that i wasn't in pain. i wanted to take a shower but the water was turned off due to some plumbing problems. i didn't seem to be bleeding anymore so i decided to just get dressed. the bed was totally stained and soaked in my own blood. i couldn't wash anything, though, it would have to wait. i wondered what i would tell misha.

then astrid woke up and to my surprise she was only two years old. she was very crabby and overtired, like she hadnt' slept properly. i kept trying to talk to her like she was seven still and she just wasn't getting it. i wanted to tell her to stop acting like such a baby and get ready for school but she just threw herself on the floor and had a tantrum. i decided to ignore her and tried to get her brother up out of bed. he was already awake, though. i went downstairs and it was time to leave, we were late. i told the kids to go outside and wait by the car. when i got in the vehicle, and before the kids could get it, it started to move without me turning it on and in fact i was half outside it. the emergency brake wouldn't respond and i was having trouble getting my legs in the door to operate the foot brake. i was rolling very quickly at that point towards a parked car. my mouth was full of something (toast? sawdust?) so that i couldn't warn anyone on the street and i knew i was going to ram someone or something. i woke up before that happened, though.