i dreamed i was watching a reality show about people training to become chefs. and one of the contestants, a young guy, in his 20s, was diagnosed with "a very rare but very aggressive form of adrenal gland cancer" only a couple of weeks away from graduation.

the show went on and on, and showed him going to the doctor, and breaking down in tears, and having to leave the dormitory of the school, and then had him going to some sort of cancer support group or something. and he was a kind of a big guy, on the heavy side, and one of the show's producers said to him during one of their private interview moments, "you do realize that you could have prevented your cancer if you'd actually taken care of yoursef. if you'd not let yourself become so fat. if you'd listened to all your family and friends and teachers when you were a kid and not been so lazy and gone and gotten exercise and everything, right?"

and the guy stood up from his chair and said, "what all those people did to me, the way they treated me, from the time i started to show signs of being a big kid, was not teach me how to take care of myself in a loving way, ok! they didn't teach me that! they taught me to hate myself! not to love myself. and how can you 'take care of yourself' when all you can feel is loathing when you look in the mirror and that's all reinforced by every person in an authority position your whole life! i didn't give myself cancer just like i didn't make myself fat. if anything they're as responsible for my current situation as i am. and you, sir, can shoulder some of the blame as well, for being a hate mongering exploitationist." and he totally just walked off camera and the voice over said he never came back to the show and they couldn't find out how he was doing anymore.

and i remember i was just laying on the couch watching this in disbelief and laughing and crying at the same time. i woke up feeling really fired up. sometimes it pays to have a smarty-pants subconscious.