mardi gras!

so i had this dream that i was at mardi gras in new orleans and it was really hot and sunny out so everyone was wearing short-shorts and bras and beads and face paint. we were following this float that had beth ditto and the gossip on it, blasting out a wicked rendition of "on the prowl":

I’m a firecracker on the 4th of July
I’ll make your mama beg, I’ll make your daddy cry
I’ll walk a million miles for just one piece of your pie
I’m not a stranger, darlin’, so don’t you be shy,
I'll give you something that you'll never forget,
We're gonna do it till we're both outta breath,
Come on darling cause you're making me wet,
So give me something that I haven't had yet,
I'm gonna treat you right, just let momma take your hand,
You betta hang on tight
I'm gonna treat you right,
Gonna take you home tonight,
It's gonna be better, darling, than you ever thought it could
I'm gonna give you something that you'll never forget,
We're gonna do it till we're both outta breath,
Come on darlin cause you're making me wet,
So give me something That I haven't had yet.


the float turned down this alley way that was really just an over grown dirt road. the ruts were deep and jagged and uneven. the grass was knee high. i was marching and dancing behind this girl i used to work with at the fat chicks' clothing store and she was wearing these high-waisted bright red shorts and i remember thinking how enormous and gorgeous her ass looked in them.

suddenly from behind us there was a loud honking and we turned to see this ridiculous Hummer-type vehicle trying to drive up the dirt road behind us. it was painted in lurid reds and yellows and clearly would not fit through the narrow space. my old co-worked and i started yelling at them to turn around and go back, but the driver wouldn't let up. we just scoffed and turned around to follow beth ditto again. suddenly there was a horrible noise behind us and we turned to see that the hummer had hit a ditch too hard and turned onto it's side.

we walked back to see if we could help the driver out. it was ronald mcdonald. we climbed up and pried the door open and yelled at him that he was a complete idiot and to get out of the vehicle, but he was unconscious and bleeding from a wound on his head. my co-worker said, "there's a mcdonald's a block away, you should go tell them their guy needs help." so i took off.

when i got in the mcdonalds i stood in line for a long time. finally i got up to the counter and who was the person working the till, but robert fuckin deniro. i said, "holy shit," and he just looked around nervously like he was worried i'd rat him out. i said, "you're...you're..." and he put up his hand to shush me. "yeah, i know. i know who i am. what can i get for you?" this was the last till, at the end of the counter, so there was a little gap where you could walk in behind, so i did that. wounded burger-shilling clown completely forgotten, i hopped up on the counter and put my arms around his neck and put my lips near his ear and said, "you don't really wanna be workin here during mardi gras, do you? you wanna earn some beads the hard way?" he turned completely red and swallowed hard and nodded. THEN MY ALARM WENT OFF. ugh.