i was out in the woods with my family. we found a carved horn and i blew on it for laughs. it made this horrible deep blatting noise and suddenly the whole earth shook and the sky grew dark. it seemed i woke some sort of terrible process from deep within the earth and the end of the world was imminent. there was nothing we could do to stop it. the first sign that this was really happening was when a distant mountain began to smoke ominously like a volcano. misha said, "it's frickin mordor!"

we went back to this hotel place we were staying at and walked into the restaurant where all the guests had gathered to stare out the windows at the gathering dark and the smoking mountain. a woman was sipping on a drink and suddenly she started choking. i ran over to her and pried her mouth open to find a creature trying to crawl it's way down her throat. i grabbed it by its reptilian tale and pulled it free, though it was hard to keep a grip on because her saliva had made it's scales so slippery. her throat was bulging and her eyes were watering and she was making a terrible noise. i finally got it out and slammed it hard against the table and knocked it unconscious. it was a tiny dragon, complete with little fairy wings.

a man behind me put his hand on my shoulder and said, "hey there, good job." i turned and it was bill murray. i said, "wow, hey, thanks. i didn't know you were staying here." "yeah, i come up a couple weeks a year. i'm impressed with how you have single handedly saved one woman's life while simultaneously bringing on the end of the world. what are you doing later?"

"er, not much, just going back to my room, probably. to wait to die."

"what room number is that? i'm here by myself and i'd rather not be alone for this, if you can imagine that."

"well, what room number are you?"

"why, you wanna come up?" i nodded. "great, come on." he took me by the hand and led me to the bank of elevators.

once we got to his room he fired up his laptop and had some music going. he had to have been on like the 20th floor because the view out his windows of the smoking mountain was amazing. we were looking out over a lake that had turned black from the reflection of the dark sky and woods and hills. it didn't occur to me how strange it was to be in a skyscraper style hotel in the middle of the woods. we started chatting and he was making laugh. "got anything to drink?" he asked me. "i've got some southern comfort in my room that i could go get," i said, laughing. southern comfort is such a teenager drink and i felt totally stupid telling him that. he laughed and pulled out his own giant bottle of it. "no need for that, missy!" he pulled out tumblers from the bathroom and poured us a couple of huge glasses. "to the end of the world!" i toasted, and we drank. i started to instantly feel drunk.

"hey, what's one thing you always wished you would do before you died?" he asked me.

i thought for a minute and then said, "get a tattoo."

"oh yeah? what stopped you?"

"the one i wanted was pretty detailed and would have cost a lot of money and i could never justify it," i replied.

"did you know i learned how to tattoo really basic stuff, when i was on SNL?"

"no! really?"

"hell yes. and i even have my equipment here. you want?"

"YEAH I WANT BILL MURRAY TO GIVE ME A TATTOO ON MY LAST DAY ON EARTH!"

he pulled out this hardshell suitcase from under the bed and popped it open. inside were inkpots and needles and odd liquids and cords and things. he started making space on the nightstand for all his equipment and i couldn't stop laughing, between gulps of southern comfort, that is.

"oh hey, but you know what? i mean we're gonna get pretty drunk and you're gonna be pretty sore after i'm finished here, so...if we wanted to, like, fool around..." he said, looking at me with that funny puppy dog look, "you know, end of the world and all, one last hurrah and what have you...we should probably do it now."

i thought about it for a sec and then said, "huh. ok. makes sense." i laid back on the bed and he climbed on top of me and started kissing me. but i kept laughing because it was so ridiculous, and his foot kept knocking the nightstand where all his tattoo ink was, and he was laughing, and the sky outside was getting darker, and then suddenly there was a pounding on the door.

"shit, we gotta hide all this stuff!" he said, jumping off me. he started to scramble to try and put away all the tattooing gear. "i'm not licensed to operate in this province! they're gonna bust me! help!" i was still laughing but started to help him. the person on the other side of the door pounded again just as we got everything tucked under the bed. i stood up and looked out the peephole. my mom was on the other side, looking afraid and teary eyed, so i unlocked the door and let her in.

"what are you doing in here when the world's about to end?"

"me and BILL MURRAY were having a drink and talking is all," i said, feeling guilty.

"don't you want to be with ME? with your FAMILY?"

"well, sure...but i didn't think it was going to happen instantaneously. bill was gonna give me a tattoo and then i was gonna come right back down to our room."

her face softened a bit. "oh. ok. what are you drinking? what tattoo were you going to get?"

bill poured her a stiff one from the giant southern comfort bottle and handed it to her. "southern comfort, madam. and we hadn't decided on the tattoo yet, had we, christa?"

"i think i just want the word 'vegan' on my wrist," i said. the both nodded in approval but my mom pulled out a sketchbook and some pencil crayons from somewhere and drew a really amazing, elaborate peacock in a japanese style water garden. "what about something like this, though?" she said.

"wow, mom, you're drawing skills have really improved!"

"i know, right?"

"that looks good, but it would probably take too long. we'd be dead before the peacock was finished."

bill pulled his works out from under the bed again and said, "let's go with the word vegan to start with. then you can take off your shirt and i'll start on the peacock between your breasts."

my mom was drunk by now and looked at me with a fluttery eyelash face and fell over laughing. the mountain in the distance rumbled loudly and i squeezed the blankets on the bed with my one good hand, and woke up.