a full night of totally weird, vivid dreams? is it the full moon?

in them misha was cruel to me, in a very smug and self-satisfied way, as though it didn't matter to him any longer how i felt or thought of him. and he said something so very vile and awful that i resorted to physical violence and tried to beat him up, only of course my blows were weak and ineffectual and he just laughed at me more, in disdain/disgust at my patheticness.

then i was sitting somewhere, a vacant lot, with a wire fence at my back and a big mutt-like dog in my lap and it was talking to me with its mind. and another dog came by, a large black one, and i noticed it was walking funny, walking on the first joint on its front legs, kind of like a gorilla would, and the dog in my lap looked up at me sadly and shook its head saying, "isn't it terrible? i've known him all my life and he's just recently become a complete nutter."

when i got home from this strange exchange i found that one of my neighbours had turned the parking lot outside all our units into a large, fancy outdoor dining space. she had all three of her kids working at laying down cloth serviettes and fine silverware. i said, "what's going on? what are you doing?" she said, "it's a community fundraiser. dinner is $40 a plate. will you join us?" "what are you serving?" "tubes," she said, "more and more tubes." and i had a dream flashback to the vacant lot where i'd been sitting with the dogs and remembered seeing thousands of discarded rubber tubes of varying lengths laying in the grass. the thought of eating them was wholly unappetizing and so i declined. the look she gave me was withering and i realized that my gastronomic snobbery was getting me nowhere with my neighbours.

i conjure morning:
dark sky, slatted breath, distant
highways calling you.
your torn hand catches
smoke wisping up from my eyes:
product of dream fires.
blanket-scented love
pressed deep into downy soil.
rainy eyelashes
tremble as blossoms
tremble in ocean's winter:
crags, sponge moss, you, me.

it's not that you can't have me...it's that you don't get me.

listen.
i laid bare petals in packages
secretly delivered by motorcade.
and i shivered as you crawled through
bodybombs
and witmissles (whet whistles)
testing your mettle and disregarding mine.
hey, look, now.
shameless and guilty
i gifted you alone in the trees.
shattered sunlight fallen on the water
with pieces of me in your mouth
i watched you struggle
and wondered at my own fight.
well, come on. you know that
i dug deep to pull all that out:
rabbits from silk hats and flowers from dust
but the further i open
it seems the harder you shut.
so. enh, and shrug.
i drift lazily away back from where i came
something drowned, that you dreamed.
not the wet creature
you found muddy and fearsome
on the shore.
in your lap,
by the shore.

last night me and simon pegg were crushing out on each other, and when he saw i'd gotten an email from ivan reitman asking me out on a date, he got super jealous and started to sulk. he was inconsolable, believing that i was going to "run off with that rich old twat, just because he said he might introduce you to dan aykroyd".

oh simon. i fancy you much more than reitman...though the aykroyd thing...well. anyway. don't worry, i won't leave you, baby.

i was having a HUGE house party in an unfamilliar house. it was completely pitch black. i kept going around turning on lamps and they had no "glow". i mean they would turn on but only the bulb would light up, it wouldn't shed light on anything around it, so everything stayed dark anyway. i found a flashlight finally and was using it to try to get around. the place was packed but i couldn't see who was who or what was going on. the music was loud, conversation was loud, everyone was having fun and dancing, but i was feeling slightly distressed.

suddenly as i was shining my flashlight around i managed to light up an old lover's face as he came in the door. "YOU CAME!" i shouted as i dashed into his arms. he was laughing and i loved his big brown eyes looking at me and strong arms holding me. "you're still in love with me, aren't you," he said, grinning. "yes yes yes," i replied, kissing him all over his face and neck, "i am; i never stopped; i missed you."

"let's go somewhere private," he said, suggestively. i brought him upstairs towards my bedroom. when i opened the door, misha was there, just getting up to get dressed and go to work. he took one look at us and said, "oh, he's back, is he?" i could not contain my joy and said, "isn't it wonderful?!" misha seemed nonplussed, but not upset either. he just pulled on his uniform and left the two of us alone.

i pushed him down on the bed and quickly stripped him of all clothes. "can i go down on you?" i asked. he was laying with his hands behind his head and smirking, "duh."

when it was over and i laid back and he was satisfied, i said, "now how about a little reciprocation, baby?"

i remember the music was pumping downstairs and people were laughing and talking and his face went sour in the dim orange lamplight.

"are you kidding me?" he asked, incredulously, "gross."

i woke up pissed.