i dreamed of my grandfather last night.

we were in a strange house, but i think it was mine. it was small and old but well-kept and beautifully furnished. everyone was getting ready for a big exciting party somewhere - maybe new year's eve. i was panicking because i felt like i had too much to do and not enough time, plus, my grandfather, who was supposed to be dead, was sitting on my big brown overstuffed velvet couch, and i really wanted to talk to him. he was simply dozing and waking up occassionally to watch television, much like he did on the second-to-last trip i took to ontario to see him before he died. anyway, i kept trying to put on make-up and screwing up with the colours and where it was going. by the end of my attempt to "do" my face i had purple eyeshadow all over my forehead and i was hating my hair (in fact, i really am hating my hair right now - the bangs and colour, anyway...) i also kept thinking of cds i had to take the party because the hostess claimed she didn't have any so i was trying to stuff my purse with them, and the food i wanted to bring. finally i managed to get almost everything together and everyone was waiting in a big truck outside for me. i was pulling on my boots and then i was rushing into the livingroom to say goodbye to grampa. it was then i realized that once i left for the party, he would vanish from my life again. so i tried to calm down and take my time, but it was hard, with people honking the horn at me and yelling for me to hurry up.

i took his big hand in mine. it felt cool and smooth and i saw the age spots. he was looking at me calmly through his big glasses. i told him i loved him and that i was sorry to be going. he put his arms around me and pulled me in close and spoke quietly in my ear. he said, "you don't have to worry about me. you have to worry about you, and your children, and your future grandchildren." he had me pressed up so hard against his body that my face was mushed into his shoulder and i started to cry. he continued talking, "all my life i felt i had to prove something to people and now i realize that the only obligation i had, really, was to think hard about what was right for my children and grandchildren, and fulfill that. all i had to do was do right by them. the rest of it didn't matter. and i wish i had done a better job at it, but i didn't, because i was working hard at other stuff, trying to prove things to the world. i didn't really enjoy doing a lot of the things that had to be done right by my children and grandchildren so i just didn't do them. don't make those mistakes. no matter how much you don't like it, if you know it is the right thing, you owe it to those beautiful kids to do it. you have an obligation." he kept talking like this for a long time in a very soothing and deep voice with me squished up against his boney body, and i kept crying into his shoulder, crying all my eye make-up off. it was like he was looking inside me and seeing how i have been feeling lately, so dark and depressed about my obligations that i am having problems fulfilling. i just cried and cried and cried. i woke up crying.