being informed of earth's imminent demise (i don't remember, exactly, something space-related or the sun going nova?) we planned a party, or tried to. everyone came, and met on the street and we couldn't decide where to end up - my place, or yours? who was bringing the food and who was in charge of the music? where would the children play and how do you explain it to them, if at all? i opted to keep my trap shut, though they did ask me a few times why i kept hugging them and crying. if you've only got 12 hours, maximum, and the ending is unexplainable (will there be a big explosion? will a wave of invisible heat pass over and vaporize us? will the earth be knocked out of it's orbit and skitter away like an eightball, pinging against jupiter and pluto on it's way out into the Big Dark?) and you want to get fucked up but also make every moment bittersweet, and run and find everyone you know to tell them everything you should have before the apocolypse, how do you deal? it's a little overwhelming, i tell you. but i ran. i first ran to robyn and grabbed her hand and dragged her out to the street party and made her kiss me. then i gathered all the young famillies i know, and all their children, and i kissed them all, too, every one. and then i got my mom, and lisa and andrew, and asked them to bring everything they had to eat, because we were going to eat it all, and drink it all. stop fretting about your waistlines and bubble butts and flabby bellies, the earth is going to crumble, or sizzle, or explode. in any case, your body is no longer your concern. can you imagine letting that go, for real? could you even do it, for twelve hours? it is like in belly dancing class, when the teacher told us we weren't supposed to "suck it in". eighty percent of the women had to conciously focus their attention on their bellies to relax the muscles enough to let them jiggle. even me.
as evening descended, we gathered at a bandstand with a view of the western horizon, watching the sun sink below the ocean for the last time. the children were playing happily as if this were any day. i felt reluctant to let mine go far from arms reach because the moment anything catastrophic appeared to be happening, i wanted to be holding them, and have leon hold me. but it seemed that things were going to remain calm for a while longer. i got up on the stage and started singing at the top of my voice that old cliche REM song. everyone started laughing and crying at the same time - some of you joined in. no one could remember much of the words beyond the chorus. i started to sob at "and i feel fine." it was such a lie. i felt scared and lonely of what was to come after we all died. chances were good i'd never see any of you again. there may not even be a me, and i was especially sorry to realize i still had so much ego left, even after everything i thought i'd learned in my life. after the impromptu karaoke, we all sat down again and looked at the darkening sky. some people wondered aloud if perhaps there'd been a mistake and the earth was going to make it after all. it seemed so hard to believe - everyone and everything we've ever know, gone. no india, no ozone layer, no dalai lama, no communism, no lemurs or tasiers, no piroshki and beer. no amazon rainforest or burning piles of tires. everything - gone. most of us were philosophical about it. i sat next to abby and shane. somewhere, church bells started to ring and silence fell on us. abby was stroking my arm, and i was trying to look at everyone all at once, feeling that this was my last chance to drink it in. all your beauty and sadness and your lovely bodies and sweet breath and your tiny children with big wet eyes wondering. my children climbed into my lap, leon hugged me tight from behind and we kissed, hard, teeth pinching and drawing blood from our lips, sealing the deal we'd made years ago - if there is an afterlife, we will agree on which one: the summerlands. and we will wait for each other there, whoever goes first, or if we go together, spend eternity finding one another, and gathering our babies and animals, and making it everything we'd been too weak or lazy or tired to make of this life. it was then the rumbling started. great tremors beneath the stage we were all sitting on. people started to make moaning noises and the children looked around wildly, for cues as to how to proceed. no one could tell them. the earth began to shake and suddenly the sky, half-dark half-light, rushed past us, going over our heads at dizzying speeds, peeling back, as if the earth was launching and the clouds, the stars, the milky way were as the patchwork farmlands, the tiny cars, the ant-like people you see as you take off in an airplane. abby's had was still on my arm, only gripping much harder now, and as the breath was pulled from my lungs and never reclaimed, i closed my eyes, smelled my daughter's hair, and waited in the din for the end of days.
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