i had a bad dream last night. my family and i were camping. or at least, staying in this kind of run-down old cabin. it was a 20 minute walk from a gorgeous sandy beach. there were tons of people there all the time - a real party atmosphere. everyone was loaded and acting goofy and children were running rampant and i started to feel overwhelmed because i could not go anywhere without there being tons of drunken people around - even in our own cabin. finally i succumbed to the partying and started to get loaded, too. this cute boy i know was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, just swinging his legs back and forth, and asked me to come over to talk to him, so i did. he asked me if i was hot for him and i drunkenly said yes, i was, and i had been for a long time, and was he hot for me? and he said yes, he was, and then gently nudged the toe of his boot into the crotch of my jeans while we were staring into each other's eyes. i thought about how leon had said that if i ever felt i wanted to explore feelings for other people i should but still felt guilty even though it felt good. a bunch of other drunk people burst into the kitchen at that point and i backed away from the cute boy. another guy, a big old bearded biker guy, came up and threw his arm around me and breathed beer fumes on me and said, "hey, christa! hey! how's it goin, you hot slut?" and the cute boy shouted at the top of his lungs, "SHE IS A SLUT! she just came on to me! i stuck my boot up her crotch!" and everyone started laughing and laughing and leon looked over from where he was playing with liam and looked hurt and confused and i ran out of there so fucking fast and still couldn't escape the crowds because the beach was thronging with millions of people and it was like this weird sunny-with-dark-gray-storm-clouds twilight and the sea was roiling and uninviting and i could see children being sucked out by the undertow but no one was paying any mind. and i tried to run but the sand was too deep and i kept hearing my knee clicking and finally i woke up.