i had this crazy awesome dream last night that leon and i purchased this amazing castle-like home. it had four or five stories, and every floor was like it's own home unto itself. we lay for a while in the "ancient greece" bedroom where there was a bed carved out of white marble and next to the bed was this amazing carving of a tiny garden filled with satyrs and nymphs and if you watched long enough they'd all animate and music would play and they would dance and drink from the fountains and have sex with each other. the room was full of sunlight and there were no ceilings so you could look up and up and see stairs winding around to the top of the house itself and so we decided to explore more of our house. we walked up to the next level and it was designed and decorated like a "gentleman's club". wood paneled walls and a fully stocked bar and big comfy red velvet chairs and stone lion statues and a fire burning. we poured ourselves highballs and leon sat back in one of the chairs and started to try and cajole me into playing chess with him. i said no, that i wanted to go look around some more and i went around a corner and found the bathroom. my stepdad was in there, dressed in a janitor's grey-green jumpsuit, scrubbing the huge shower/tub area. "what are you doing here?!" i shouted at him. he looked up all dejected and said, "you hired me to clean for you, christa." and i was horrified, not so much that i hired him to clean for us, but because he was in my house at all, so i grabbed the hose he was using to spray off the tile walls and told him to take a hike and i would clean it myself.

i'd like to blame every ache i ever had on you
every failing every turn of anguished fate
i'd like to make you own it! me!
hand-me-down and passed around and oh, this bird has flown.
and when your phone stops ringing and all those girls stop singing
would you have me alone?
choking on rubber bands and dipping nipples
in mealy apples and
lifting off the muppet monster mask.
i walked along cedar chip paths and everything was orange rust
the sky, the light, the tight curly haired-calves
the ground, my skin, the state i'm in, every thing burnt umber crust
and it was warm and all of us, we frolicked and the baby cows
followed us until the path did end.
and when i crossed the threshold it was as though orange world had wheels
receded so quickly from my walking abilities it may as well have flown
we turned and faced ice land (not the country)
vin diesel lived in a bungalow basement suite in the house with wrought iron gates
and we laughed at his classless behaviour, so fucking pompous for a millionaire.
then suddenly you, and everyone, all walked ahead
and my knee was crumbling under me
and i couldn't navigate the stairs so caked in ice they were
so i tried to climb the brick and iron
and icicles melted under my hands but fell and penetrated my feet
bleeding ruddy ragged raw bullet holes through the million fragile bones
but so cold i couldn't feel a thing.
and you just kept moving on, around a bend on cobbled streets
and everywhere was snowing, and everywhere everywhere
ice was freezing on my hands and arms
i couldn't move fast enough
i felt the rubber band in my wind pipe
fluttering and sucking and finally inhaled,
that was how i died in all my dreams