i dreamed last night that i went over to mom's and my aunt was there and she was like, this withered husk of who she was when i last saw her. i approached her from behind, first, as she was standing in the kitchen getting a glass out of the cupboard and it was obvious that she'd dropped like a million pounds and i was shocked that that could happen in a month, and then she turned around when i said, "hi auntie," and i nearly fell to my knees from shock because her whole body was completely withered and wrinkled like those shrivelled apple head dolls, and saggy and her cheeks were hollow and she just looked...i don't know...sick. and i started crying and saying, "oh auntie, why, why, why?" and she slapped me across the face and yelled at me, "do you really think i looked better 100lbs heavier?!?!" and i kept crying even though she hit me and i said, "you don't understand, you did, you did look better! and this is like...it's like you're hurting me that you did this!"

then the dream changed, and i was in serbia or bosnia or chechnaya or somewhere obscurely eastern european like that. it was like a big group holiday my family and i had gone on with my mom and our friend S. we were having a good time, researching our ancestors or something, but as we were leafing through folders in this green, dusty back room in a town library people started yelling outside and there were gunshots. we went to the doors to see the military moving through the streets, firing on what appeared to be unarmed civilians. we panicked and ducked under tables and tried to hide in between the stacks of books and file cases and waited until the soldiers had all passed to actually step out into the street. a man approached us and asked us if our rental car was parked across the road in this gated parking lot and we said yes. he gave our friend S. a tiny key and said he could go over there and take our belongings out of it but that we could no longer have access to the vehicle. S. went over and unlocked the padlock on the gate under the watchful gaze of a lone soldier, and got our things while we all waited, chewing our fingernails and trying to keep my kids occupied and unaware of what was happening. S. came back and handed us all our jackets and things, and i said, "oh no! i forgot to tell you that my passport and other i.d. was in the glove box, can you go back and get that?" and S. nodded and smiled and walked back over to unlock the gate again. the soldier didn't even look at him. we watched him walk across the parking lot. the sky was heavy and grey with clouds and it was starting to rain. i turned to say something to my mom, when there was a huge explosion that threw the soldier to the ground and rattled the windows of the library behind us, and when i looked over i saw that it was our rental car that had exploded, and in rush of agony i knew that there was no way S. had survived it, that he had probably triggered the car bomb by opening the glove box, that it had been me that had asked him to do it, and i looked at my mom again and there were tears in her eyes and disbelief and i just screamed at the top of my lungs and fell down on the ground and screamed and wept and screamed and screamed and everyone else was crying and screaming too and all i could think was, "how on earth can i go home and tell his family this?" and i woke up with my ears ringing.