rising from the cellar of miranda!
the spaces between the wooden slat steps, a void!
effecting
tendrils of contraband smoke willowing out the door strip
not foiled by the threadbare towel stuffings,
not foiled!
trailing up behind, sweet scented, food scented
the spaces between the wooden slat steps, a void!
miranda laughing
quietly below
you never know
would her mother and father be home up there?
would they know?
what we'd been doing?
what we'd been into?
eyes rimmed red and throats clasping for moisture?
and the spaces between the wooden slat steps, a void!
cricking!
cricking door at the summit
you know it opens on a hallway's olive green carpeting
and a sideboard made of 70's panelling
eyes rimmed red, and mouth dry like grit
cricking! cricking door at the summit!
and it opens as you approach
miranda!
laughing quietly at you,
she's done this every day for 18 years.
he's still there, affixed
"what is that, fiber glass? what?"
miranda, laughing quietly behind you
he's still there, you're transfixed
his visage so tortured and gory on prominent display
his eyes rolled back so far in his shining head
waxed head!
only whites show!
his skin white like snow!
his arms out wide in a "t"
only white shows
the red trickling of his pain
and the cricking door at the summit
and the spaces between the wooden slat steps, a void!
and the phantom parents who lurk, or not
and miranda!
miranda!
laughing quietly with you!
at the shame of her family's fervor
and the fiber glass reminder each morning she rises
when a man is left to die for days
with bolted hands and feet to wood in a "t"
white only shows
white only shows the red and the rimmed eyes, more brightly
as you rise from miranda's cellar.
2003/11/13
2003/11/06
my dream last night was so weird. i can only remember pieces of it. first, we were living in this huge, old, deserted ballroom with luscious thick red carpet and drapes and all the furniture (scores of empty tables and elegant chairs) were gold filigree. but it was cold and dark and weird. we just sort of kept to one end of the ballroom with our sleeping bags and propane stoves.
i had somehow managed to fundraise by offering to hold a fancy dance in the ballroom and the dance was all over and i was tallying up my profits, and my mom demanded a cut (even though she hadn't really done anything) and i was really mad at her and resentfully handed over the lion's share of the money and she left with her boyfriend.
and my daughter, all through the dream, kept choking on everything she tried to eat. (this isn't that far from the truth, my daughter DOES gag and choke a lot, which makes me crazy!)
and finally, our cat was wandering around all SLICED UP, like a loaf of bread, only not cut all the way through to the bottom, so that every time he jumped or walked the slices would spread apart and you could see the gooey pink and red of blood and flesh and the severed sections of spine. it freaked me out and i kept insisting we had to take him to the vet but no one else seemed worried and my husband told me we didn't have money for it anyway. and people were still holding the cat and petting the cat even though he was so injured. their hands were all covered in blood and ick and they didn't even care.
i had somehow managed to fundraise by offering to hold a fancy dance in the ballroom and the dance was all over and i was tallying up my profits, and my mom demanded a cut (even though she hadn't really done anything) and i was really mad at her and resentfully handed over the lion's share of the money and she left with her boyfriend.
and my daughter, all through the dream, kept choking on everything she tried to eat. (this isn't that far from the truth, my daughter DOES gag and choke a lot, which makes me crazy!)
and finally, our cat was wandering around all SLICED UP, like a loaf of bread, only not cut all the way through to the bottom, so that every time he jumped or walked the slices would spread apart and you could see the gooey pink and red of blood and flesh and the severed sections of spine. it freaked me out and i kept insisting we had to take him to the vet but no one else seemed worried and my husband told me we didn't have money for it anyway. and people were still holding the cat and petting the cat even though he was so injured. their hands were all covered in blood and ick and they didn't even care.
2003/11/04
barely there
in my dream last night, leon and i were in this thrift shop looking at used sofas and armchairs and bookshelves. we found a pair of pristine overstuffed armchairs that matched. they were both off-white, tweedy material, with bright, colourful threads spattered throughout, almost like confetti. i loved them and asked him to find out how much they were. the lady at the counter said, "$1.50 a piece or $2.00 for both!" i was like, "OKAY! LEON GET THE ROOF RACKS OUT!" we gave her the money and leon ran outside to get the car all ready to transport them home on the roof, but he came back in a minute later saying that he'd forgotten the roof racks at home and that he'd be back shortly with them. he instructed me to stay behind so that no one else would take our precious arm chairs. i sat down in one of them and waited.
after a few minutes, my first love walked into the store. he took one look at me and knelt beside me. "i've been wandering around for TWO YEARS looking for you, lynn," he said, taking my hand in his, "and now i've found you and i'm not going to lose you again." and he pulled me up out of the chair and led me to a day bed that was also for sale. he stripped me down and we started making love in the middle of the store. after the first "round", he wanted to go again, and i was willing, except suddenly i remembered my husband! filled with guilt and anguish and mixed emotions i told first love that there was no way we could do that again, even though i wanted to, and that i was horrified i'd done it at all because i knew it would break leon's heart to find out. first love was crying, begging me to stay with him in this bed in the thrift shop, begging and pleading, but i knew i had to go. as i got dressed i saw that the whole shop full of people had been watching us. i was mortified and wished that i could disappear. then i noticed that as i put on each article of clothing, that part of my body would vanish. first my breasts, as i clipped on my bra. then my hips and crotch as i slipped on my panties. then my chest and belly and arms as i pulled a shirt on over my head, and then my legs and feet as i put on my skirt and shoes. finally i was just a disembodied head floating through the shop to the front door to wait for leon outside. first love yelled at me as i stepped out, "how can you be with him? how? you're barely there at all!"
after a few minutes, my first love walked into the store. he took one look at me and knelt beside me. "i've been wandering around for TWO YEARS looking for you, lynn," he said, taking my hand in his, "and now i've found you and i'm not going to lose you again." and he pulled me up out of the chair and led me to a day bed that was also for sale. he stripped me down and we started making love in the middle of the store. after the first "round", he wanted to go again, and i was willing, except suddenly i remembered my husband! filled with guilt and anguish and mixed emotions i told first love that there was no way we could do that again, even though i wanted to, and that i was horrified i'd done it at all because i knew it would break leon's heart to find out. first love was crying, begging me to stay with him in this bed in the thrift shop, begging and pleading, but i knew i had to go. as i got dressed i saw that the whole shop full of people had been watching us. i was mortified and wished that i could disappear. then i noticed that as i put on each article of clothing, that part of my body would vanish. first my breasts, as i clipped on my bra. then my hips and crotch as i slipped on my panties. then my chest and belly and arms as i pulled a shirt on over my head, and then my legs and feet as i put on my skirt and shoes. finally i was just a disembodied head floating through the shop to the front door to wait for leon outside. first love yelled at me as i stepped out, "how can you be with him? how? you're barely there at all!"
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