bio-dad

we were visiting leon's parents. it was the day before we had to go home, to make sure liam got back to school on time. leon dropped a bomb on me by telling me that he was going to stay on an extra two weeks while i took the kids home alone. it is a long drive, and two weeks is a long time to parent alone. i was furious. i demanded that he come back with us. he refused. i became certain that he was intending to cheat on me with a girl from the town. i tried to keep my calm while we talked but my inlaws were obviously on his side and treated me as though i were being completely unreasonable. in a fury, i stormed out of the house and began walking through the quiet streets of the small town, muttering to myself.

it was twilight, the sky was light blue and pink. as i walked, i slowly became aware of other people walking quietly along the streets with me. they were all dressed in strange suits and costumes; most of them had a santa-theme or easter bunny-theme, or sometimes a combination of the two. i asked a young man in a pink santa suit what was going on, and he told me it was the night of an annual festival, a sort of combination of pagan holidays, where you knocked on neighbour's doors and if your costume pleased them, they would give you gifts.

"but not candy," he said. "real gifts."

i was amazed. i asked how i could get a costume, too, and he pulled a pair of plush bunny ears from his bag and gave them to me. "these will have to do, though i doubt you'll get much from anyone."

i picked the first house i came to after donning the ears. it was an old brownstone with a big front porch. the front door was mostly bleary coloured glass, and i could see lights on inside. i knocked.

my biological father, looking not a day older than he was when he left us, answered the door. i was shocked, disbelieving. i didn't know what to say; but i could see he recognized me, too. "hello there," he said quietly.

"hello," i replied.

he handed me a yellow bag, made of filmy plastic. i opened it up and slipped a book out of it. it was a thick, worn out paperback, with a creamy white cover, decorated with beautiful line drawings of naked women. i opened the book up as he watched me. pages were falling out in clumps, but i became aware of the fact that this was a very valuable old book, one that had been out of print for decades. i flipped through the tattered pages, carefully, reading the words, and coming to understand that this book was a secret teaching of women's rites and powers. stunned by his awesome generosity, i looked up at him again.

"thank you," i said.

"you're welcome," he replied, and the tone of his voice implied that he had been waiting my whole life to give this to me. to see me again. how he had known i would appear on his door this night, i had no idea.

i nodded and turned and walked off the porch as he shut the door behind me. i stuffed the book back into it's bag, stuffed the bag inside my jacket, on my heart-side, and walked further up the street as the sky darkened further. my head was racing. i couldn't decide what to do next. the plush bunny ears were sliding off my head; an ill-fit. i stopped at the top of a low, sloping hill, lit a cigarette, and watched as the rest of the silent, surreal trick-or-treaters moved from house to house, knocking on doors and giving whispered thanks to their neighbours. i wondered if they were recieving gifts like mine from people they had questions about, their whole lives.

i realized it had gotten quite late and that i needed to get back to my inlaws, so i turned around and walked back from where i had come. i passed my biological father's house, hunched over, cigarette dangling from my lips, and he glanced up just as i walked by. i could see him sitting in a dimly lit room, at an empty dining room table. we looked at each other as i walked past, but made no motions. i turned my head, and went on.