last night i was single because i had suffered the devastating loss of my husband to a bus accident. i was crying a lot. i sat out in the backyard, on the muddy ground, with my back resting against the deck and the wake was going on around me. people were milling everywhere but nobody was really talking to me. i think i had rejected everyone. my neighbour came up to me and said he was also mourning because his wife had died that morning. we cried and cried. our children were crying. we were in no state to comfort them. other people had to do it.

someone handed me the phone, and it was steve burns. he said he couldn't talk long but that he was very sorry for my loss and that he thought it would be a good idea for me to take a trip to visit him when i was feeling a bit better. i said thank you, and hung up.

mickey rourke showed up at the funeral. he didn't want to hang around being melancholy, though. he told me that it would be in my best interests to get up off the ground and go for a walk with him. it was twilight. we snuck away from the wake together. we were walking through downtown. he wanted to take me into a bar, but i wasn't in the mood. he put his arms around me and kissed me on a street corner. he said that if i wasn't in the right frame of mind now, he knew that i would be soon, and that he would come back to me and love me forever when i gave him the signal that it was alright to do so. my stomach was in knots and i couldn't imagine ever loving anyone but leon ever again. as he walked away from me to go drinking on his own, i was left alone on the street corner in the dark, surrounding by hundreds of people having fun, and i vomited into the gutter, puking out misery. i couldn't remember how to get home. i wanted everything to be different.

thankfully when i woke up, everything was.

why do you love me?

you love me because i sweated through, grunted through, hollared through, moaned through
labour pains and yawning cervix and yes, you saw me tear
you love me because when it's time and money runs out i make meal after meal
from grated potatoes and weeping onions and i'll keep going
until all the dried beans have been soaked
all the tomato paste we bought on sale
all of it is digested and resting sleepily in the ocean
you love me because i cry when someone hurts my feelings,
you love me because i'll let my hair hang down over your face
and you love me because i like to bite your chin
you'll rub my feet
you'll tease my button
you'll hold our babies in your deep, dark loving
and you love me because i'll let you
touch my belly.

bits of fluff blown in

the tiny seam of my existance, that seals me up against the world
popped
and now my stuffings are coming out in clumps
puffy, they smell like sawdust and hayseed
and freshly mown meadows

the needle and thread are lost, i can't repair the rip, i'm wilting
stop!
don't collect the fluff and hide it in your pocket
matted, they'll compress like cheap pillow fillings
and begin to reek of your body

the frayed edges of my seam have spider-threads, twisting against the wind
chopped
i use my teeth to rip them out; i'm tired of looking worn
cram the stuffings back in, if you really love me, dear
or i'll float away

major tom

I had moved the day I first met him so my muscles ached and my head was stuffed with the indignity of dust,
And even not on drugs he looked skull-cracked, you know? That kind of hollow head gaze.
But he had a glamour that shone past the silver metal buckle on his leather cap
"Yeah," he said, when we were introduced,
Slippery eyes gliding down my body, head cocked back like a trigger
And the ubiquitous cigarette dangling from his bottom lip.

"Tom's crashing a party in the West End," they said, laughing and nudging me,
I felt adolescent and unsure because my friends from before weren't like this;
This rockstar experience these people were bent on having every night
"Yeah," he said, which I took to be an invitation,
His skull-cracked face bland and filled with electricity at the same time
With the ubiquitous cigarette dangling from his bottom lip.

They had a van, a minivan, that they rode in, rattling and careening through narrow downtown streets
And nobody seemed to care where the gas money came from or how many beers he'd had;
Glittering, hollow-head Tom always drove, though I don't think it was his, really.
"Yeah," he said, when I asked if he liked girls,
Because in 2 hours after four beers he'd taken on a silent shine, appealing to me,
That ubiquitous cigarette dangling from his bottom lip.

When the party was cancelled, we drove to the woods, the van shaking and creaking, everyone silent in their seats,
He drove hunched over, his hat nearly in his eyes, concentrating hard on the dim beams of our headlights,
And the ground underneath rolled past rocky and jounced me against the window, screeching against branches.
"Yeah," he said, whatever small talk I made as his co-pilot,
And it was that feeling you that you have when you are small next to someone, one who has
An ubiquitous cigarette dangling from his bottom lip.

Being young and ridiculous I enjoyed my smallness next to him, his monosyllabic answers to my proddings, his
Deep eyes always shaded by his shiny leather cap, his lazy shifting and consistent blindspot checks,
And pulled over at a cliff with a black mirror ocean crashing beneath, we found ouselves alone in the van.
"Yeah," he said, when I leaned in close to his shoulder.
He never kissed me, not until after we'd been doing it for 5 weeks--I shit you not--and all because of
That ubiquitous cigarette dangling from his bottom lip.

btvs dream

i was on patrol with buffy, who was also babysitting a 9 or 10 year old little girl. suddenly we were ambushed by werewolves, who snatched the little girl and dragged her off into the woods. buffy and i followed, kicked some werewolf ass, and took the girl home. buffy told me to stay there and watch her while she slept while she finished her nightwatch.

spike showed up at the front door sometime later. i invited him in and we started drinking wine. i said, "so, you wanna have sex?" and he said, "sure". we kissed passionately and he felt me up. i said, "wait here," very huskily, and i went upstairs to make sure the little girl was still asleep and to change into something "more comfortable", and he waited downstairs for me. we were going to do it on the couch. it was very very exciting for me. boy, was i disappointed when the little girl was sitting up in bed, wide awake. i said, "can't you sleep?" and she shook her head no. i sighed and said, "okay, then, come downstairs and i'll fix you a snack, maybe that will help you relax." she started down the stairs a little ahead of me. i was still carrying my wine glass and feeling a little drunk. suddenly she bent over, still on the staircase, and grabbed one of my ankles, and pulled my leg out from under me so that i started to tumble down the stairs. i yelled, "what the fuck?!" as my head contacted the staircase and wine splashed everywhere. at that same moment i heard spike in the livingroom, fighting with someone or something, and glass breaking. the little girl snarled and attacked me and i broke the wine glass against her head. she yelped and started to run away. i stood up and ran after her, and in the livingroom i saw spike fighting with a dark haired woman. "do you need help?" i asked, and he shook his head no and yelled, "go after the girl!" she had run out the front door. i dashed after her, and found her cowering under the bushes outside the house. i could hear that inside, spike had subdued the dark haired woman. i grabbed the girl by the arms and dragged her back inside. "what did you do that for? we are trying to help you," i said. in the living room, spike had tied the woman up and left her sitting on the couch. she looked supremely pissed off. "that is my daughter you are mishandling there," she said to me, "and you took her from me earlier tonight, too. i just want her back."

at that moment, as spike came to stand beside me and hold my hand, both the little girl and the woman turned into werewolves. i looked into spike's eyes as he said, "baby, we're screwed."

and then i woke up.

my strange life with you, cloistered and vapid, became a part of my identity.
i didn't notice til it was gone.
i didn't notice til it was gone.
vague anticipation; each moment it seemed something stranger would become real.
i felt so sad when it went away.
i felt so sad when it went away.
each day i slip into worn-out shoes and wander further from our connections.
i just can't stand the silence.
i just can't stand the silence.
like a child i believed things would never change, like cycles and seasons.
forever waxing, but never wane.
forever waxing, but never wane.
loss is something i've experienced before, but repetition doesn't make it easy.
the hole takes a while to fill.
the hole takes a while to fill.

fair maiden

both knees are bloody
my heart is rendered silent;
steal me from here, love.

left: indecision
right: wounded choices i have made;
steal me from here, love.

muscles pulled weeping
eyes swollen, tears overflow ears;
steal me from here, love.

what's saddest of all?
there is no hero for me;
i'm left to drift, love.

i was in someone's basement. it was filled with sealed cardboard boxes, scattered everywhere, no clear path through the jumble. other people were with me, carrying flashlights to light our way through the dark. we were looking for someone or something. there was a sense of urgency. i was talking to one of my companions, and i became aware of the fact she was a cop. we were talking about christianity in hushed tones.

"all cops are holy," she said.

"not all," i argued. "and what do you call an unholy cop?"

she shone the flashlight in my eyes and said, "a traitor."

something about being blinded by the light's glare, and the tone of her voice, and our setting, frightened me beyond measure. i tried to wake myself up. then i was awake, but completely unable to move, open my eyes, or make a sound.

suddenly, a roaring din crushed my ears. it sounded like thousands and thousands of women's voices, all screaming and crying at once, crashing and bruising against one another, shaking every last fibre of my soul. one of them grabbed my spirit, and started violently shaking it around in my body. "helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehel

pmehelpmehelpme!" she screamed. i saw blinding light and a white face with hollow eyes, the mouth contorted in pain. i still could not move or open my eyes or make a sound. i felt my breathing become torn and jagged in my chest. i started to panic. then the noise subsided. i relaxed for a moment, thinking i would be able to roll over, to open my eyes and see the calm darkness of my room again, to touch my sleeping man. but still my body would not move. everything was silent.

then she grabbed me again and started shaking my spirit. the din rose up in a terrible chorus, like a ravaging ocean of horror. i felt my soul being knocked around inside my body. her voice was even more urgent, and again, her deathmask flashed in and out of my vision, and she cried again, "helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpme!" this time it didn't stop of it's own accord. i tried to move, to call out for leon to stop this awful experience, but i could only succeed in making short, violent bursts of air jerk from between my lips. her screaming, the shaking, the blinding visions and the sense of terror all made me feel as though i was going to be pulled from my body and flung into the tide of whatever horror she was drowning in. "HELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPME!"

leons hand stroked my back, and silence fell around me.

i opened my eyes slowly, and rolled onto my back.

"what did you dream about?" he asked me, "you were breathing very fast, and you made a small moaning sound."

"they came back," i said, sadly. "they came back and wouldn't let me leave them."

lupercalia

lupercus called on the goat
he rose from a fire of blood and skin
"laugh, boys," they cried,
wiping alabaster clean,
"and choose the name of the girl!"
faunus hung back from the feast
he rose from the soil of lust and birth
"open yourselves, girls," they cried,
gently prodding thighs,
"and from maiden to mother you'll go!"
claudius raged from his throne
he rose on a mantle of char and war
"avoid the union, citizens," he cried,
suiting them in armour,
"for battle is no place for the lovesick!"
valentine sneaked from the heather
he rose on the love and chastity of christ
"pure is matrimony, children," he cried,
marrying them all in shadow,
"your heart will be hardy with family!"
but claudius struck valentine down
and his heart pumped blood on the flowers
lupercus and faunus trembled in fear
watching their time so fade
but love never stopped beating it's goatskin drum
love never stopped drawing a crowd
the lotto has ended, the names are all picked
and scattered over this valentine's shroud.

bio-dad

we were visiting leon's parents. it was the day before we had to go home, to make sure liam got back to school on time. leon dropped a bomb on me by telling me that he was going to stay on an extra two weeks while i took the kids home alone. it is a long drive, and two weeks is a long time to parent alone. i was furious. i demanded that he come back with us. he refused. i became certain that he was intending to cheat on me with a girl from the town. i tried to keep my calm while we talked but my inlaws were obviously on his side and treated me as though i were being completely unreasonable. in a fury, i stormed out of the house and began walking through the quiet streets of the small town, muttering to myself.

it was twilight, the sky was light blue and pink. as i walked, i slowly became aware of other people walking quietly along the streets with me. they were all dressed in strange suits and costumes; most of them had a santa-theme or easter bunny-theme, or sometimes a combination of the two. i asked a young man in a pink santa suit what was going on, and he told me it was the night of an annual festival, a sort of combination of pagan holidays, where you knocked on neighbour's doors and if your costume pleased them, they would give you gifts.

"but not candy," he said. "real gifts."

i was amazed. i asked how i could get a costume, too, and he pulled a pair of plush bunny ears from his bag and gave them to me. "these will have to do, though i doubt you'll get much from anyone."

i picked the first house i came to after donning the ears. it was an old brownstone with a big front porch. the front door was mostly bleary coloured glass, and i could see lights on inside. i knocked.

my biological father, looking not a day older than he was when he left us, answered the door. i was shocked, disbelieving. i didn't know what to say; but i could see he recognized me, too. "hello there," he said quietly.

"hello," i replied.

he handed me a yellow bag, made of filmy plastic. i opened it up and slipped a book out of it. it was a thick, worn out paperback, with a creamy white cover, decorated with beautiful line drawings of naked women. i opened the book up as he watched me. pages were falling out in clumps, but i became aware of the fact that this was a very valuable old book, one that had been out of print for decades. i flipped through the tattered pages, carefully, reading the words, and coming to understand that this book was a secret teaching of women's rites and powers. stunned by his awesome generosity, i looked up at him again.

"thank you," i said.

"you're welcome," he replied, and the tone of his voice implied that he had been waiting my whole life to give this to me. to see me again. how he had known i would appear on his door this night, i had no idea.

i nodded and turned and walked off the porch as he shut the door behind me. i stuffed the book back into it's bag, stuffed the bag inside my jacket, on my heart-side, and walked further up the street as the sky darkened further. my head was racing. i couldn't decide what to do next. the plush bunny ears were sliding off my head; an ill-fit. i stopped at the top of a low, sloping hill, lit a cigarette, and watched as the rest of the silent, surreal trick-or-treaters moved from house to house, knocking on doors and giving whispered thanks to their neighbours. i wondered if they were recieving gifts like mine from people they had questions about, their whole lives.

i realized it had gotten quite late and that i needed to get back to my inlaws, so i turned around and walked back from where i had come. i passed my biological father's house, hunched over, cigarette dangling from my lips, and he glanced up just as i walked by. i could see him sitting in a dimly lit room, at an empty dining room table. we looked at each other as i walked past, but made no motions. i turned my head, and went on.