i dreamed that i was at a "medieval sugar festival"(?) with misha, and i had constructed a very large scale model of a castle using nothing but hardened sugar. it was taller than me and wider than my living room and very detailed. i was very proud of it. after it was finished and on display, misha and i were put on "security detail" and had to walk thorugh the grounds and the building the fest was being held on/in. we split up for a bit and when i returned to admire my sugar castle again, i found misha had, with the help of several other people, pushed it outdoors into the rain and puddles, and it was slowly melting away into nothingness. i got very upset and demanded to know why he'd permitted people to do that to my creation. his answer was that a couple of tons of new sugar had just been delivered and they were making way for the building of an actual life-size replica of a medieval castle that would put mine to shame. i was furious and offended and left in a huff.

i was patroling the playground then and found a very tall (i'm talking, seven feet) teenaged boy picking on younger children there. i tried to kick him off the playground using the threat of finding his parents and telling them, but he kept ignoring me and continuing to push down and hurt other smaller kids. as he climbed up onto a set of monkey bars i grabbed him by the ankles and pulled him down hard. this had the consequence of him smacking his head on the metal bars, knocking him unconcious. as i realized what i'd done i felt someone tap me on the shoulder and turned around to find myself staring into the stomach of a giantess. she stood around ten feet high and had a miserable chunky manly face and dry straw-like hair. i realized in a moment that she had to have been his mother and she didn't look too happy about the fact that i'd K.O.'ed him. i tried to explain what had happened and why i'd done what i did, but she wasn't having any of it and pulled her arm back in preparation for socking me. i warned her to back off and that i would call the police if i had to. she wouldn't listen and swung at me. i dodged and kicked at her tree-trunk legs and she stumbled back. i took the opportunity to swing her still-unconcious son over my shoulder and made a dash towards the main building of the festival to recruit help or find a phone. she followed me, though, and caught up. she grabbed my shoulder and i turned around and hit her square in the stomach, once, twice, three times, all while trying to balance the teenager too. she kept coming but was slowed up some. i finally picked up a long piece of wood and told her to back off or i'd hit her with it. she kept coming, kept coming, and so i finally smacked her hard across the face with the wood. that knocked her off her feet and she tumbled down into an "off limits" area where pallets and metal machinary were being stored. i lost sight of her behind some piles of junk and sat down to check to see if the boy was bleeding from his head or anything. just as i laid him down to check him out, she re-appeared, weilding some kind of crazy bladed piece of gardening equipment and shrieking at the top of her lungs, coming straight at me. i stood up, slinging the boy back over my shoulder, and picked up my own piece of metal, though i can't remember exactly what it was. before she even got within striking distance i through the hunk of iron straight at her and it hit her in the head and she was down and out.

i walked over to where she was laying, grabbed her by the collar, and started to drag her and carry the boy out to the road. i hailed a cab and as she started to come to i tossed both of them into the back seat. before she was really with it, i fumbled around into her coat pocket and found her wallet. from it, i removed her ID and put it in my pocket.

"now i know your name and where you live. be thankful i didn't call the cops," i said.

she was pissed but knew she couldn't do anything against me and just stared straight ahead, pulling her giant son in towards her and grimacing. i slammed the taxi door shut and went back to watch my castle melt away completely in the rain.

a full night of totally weird, vivid dreams? is it the full moon?

in them misha was cruel to me, in a very smug and self-satisfied way, as though it didn't matter to him any longer how i felt or thought of him. and he said something so very vile and awful that i resorted to physical violence and tried to beat him up, only of course my blows were weak and ineffectual and he just laughed at me more, in disdain/disgust at my patheticness.

then i was sitting somewhere, a vacant lot, with a wire fence at my back and a big mutt-like dog in my lap and it was talking to me with its mind. and another dog came by, a large black one, and i noticed it was walking funny, walking on the first joint on its front legs, kind of like a gorilla would, and the dog in my lap looked up at me sadly and shook its head saying, "isn't it terrible? i've known him all my life and he's just recently become a complete nutter."

when i got home from this strange exchange i found that one of my neighbours had turned the parking lot outside all our units into a large, fancy outdoor dining space. she had all three of her kids working at laying down cloth serviettes and fine silverware. i said, "what's going on? what are you doing?" she said, "it's a community fundraiser. dinner is $40 a plate. will you join us?" "what are you serving?" "tubes," she said, "more and more tubes." and i had a dream flashback to the vacant lot where i'd been sitting with the dogs and remembered seeing thousands of discarded rubber tubes of varying lengths laying in the grass. the thought of eating them was wholly unappetizing and so i declined. the look she gave me was withering and i realized that my gastronomic snobbery was getting me nowhere with my neighbours.

i conjure morning:
dark sky, slatted breath, distant
highways calling you.
your torn hand catches
smoke wisping up from my eyes:
product of dream fires.
blanket-scented love
pressed deep into downy soil.
rainy eyelashes
tremble as blossoms
tremble in ocean's winter:
crags, sponge moss, you, me.

it's not that you can't have me...it's that you don't get me.

listen.
i laid bare petals in packages
secretly delivered by motorcade.
and i shivered as you crawled through
bodybombs
and witmissles (whet whistles)
testing your mettle and disregarding mine.
hey, look, now.
shameless and guilty
i gifted you alone in the trees.
shattered sunlight fallen on the water
with pieces of me in your mouth
i watched you struggle
and wondered at my own fight.
well, come on. you know that
i dug deep to pull all that out:
rabbits from silk hats and flowers from dust
but the further i open
it seems the harder you shut.
so. enh, and shrug.
i drift lazily away back from where i came
something drowned, that you dreamed.
not the wet creature
you found muddy and fearsome
on the shore.
in your lap,
by the shore.

last night me and simon pegg were crushing out on each other, and when he saw i'd gotten an email from ivan reitman asking me out on a date, he got super jealous and started to sulk. he was inconsolable, believing that i was going to "run off with that rich old twat, just because he said he might introduce you to dan aykroyd".

oh simon. i fancy you much more than reitman...though the aykroyd thing...well. anyway. don't worry, i won't leave you, baby.

i was having a HUGE house party in an unfamilliar house. it was completely pitch black. i kept going around turning on lamps and they had no "glow". i mean they would turn on but only the bulb would light up, it wouldn't shed light on anything around it, so everything stayed dark anyway. i found a flashlight finally and was using it to try to get around. the place was packed but i couldn't see who was who or what was going on. the music was loud, conversation was loud, everyone was having fun and dancing, but i was feeling slightly distressed.

suddenly as i was shining my flashlight around i managed to light up an old lover's face as he came in the door. "YOU CAME!" i shouted as i dashed into his arms. he was laughing and i loved his big brown eyes looking at me and strong arms holding me. "you're still in love with me, aren't you," he said, grinning. "yes yes yes," i replied, kissing him all over his face and neck, "i am; i never stopped; i missed you."

"let's go somewhere private," he said, suggestively. i brought him upstairs towards my bedroom. when i opened the door, misha was there, just getting up to get dressed and go to work. he took one look at us and said, "oh, he's back, is he?" i could not contain my joy and said, "isn't it wonderful?!" misha seemed nonplussed, but not upset either. he just pulled on his uniform and left the two of us alone.

i pushed him down on the bed and quickly stripped him of all clothes. "can i go down on you?" i asked. he was laying with his hands behind his head and smirking, "duh."

when it was over and i laid back and he was satisfied, i said, "now how about a little reciprocation, baby?"

i remember the music was pumping downstairs and people were laughing and talking and his face went sour in the dim orange lamplight.

"are you kidding me?" he asked, incredulously, "gross."

i woke up pissed.

i dreamed it was november and i was in the grey misty woods alone, looking for a christmas tree. i didn't need a saw because for some reason the trees had all been cut in the summer and then buried in mulch and moss to overwinter. it made it very hard to find the perfect tree because you had to kind of kick the dirt and wood chips off the trunk and then pull, pull, pull so hard to unearth it completely and then if it wasn't right you had to re-bury it. at some point i became aware of the fact that it was nearly dark and starting to rain and a entire tourist bus had unloaded and everyone was running through the woods trying to find the best tree before anyone else. i gave up, found a giant nurse log laying on the forest floor, and laid behind it away from the crowd, thinking in the morning i would awake and try again.

i had a dream that i was trying to return a kid i didn't know to his school. i'd encountered him walking around looking lost on our street. i drove him back where he belonged and was looking for someone in charge to make sure they knew what happened.

it was an art school and i started to talk to some of the students there. i told them i dropped out of art school and one of the kids scoffed at me asking why i thought i was so special, and telling me how privileged i was to drop out when other kids couldn't even get to art school in the first place.

i started to try to defend myself by saying that i had fallen into a deep depression and it was probably the hardest year of my life.

the kid asked me to list everything that had gone wrong and that i thought had contributed to the depression and with every thing i listed (three loved ones dying in less than a year, my parents splitting up, drug use, childhood traumas coming to the forefront, my psychiatrist putting me on several new, different anti-depressants, my first love mistreating me and using me post-break-up) he would spit on the floor and scoff at me. i started to feel really angry and grabbed this kid (he couldn't have been more than 17) and said, "hey, man, seriously...have YOU ever been depressed?!"

and he kind of nodded and i said, "great, then. why don't you tell me all about it so that i can tear you down and let you know why it was a ridiculous way for you to feel." he grinned at me and i woke up.

the fate-bird of our ruin

i am no thief.
i do not abide thieves.
i will not house
covetous feelings
in my heart
for longer
than it takes
to have your mouth
on mine.

i steal nothing.
i will not tolerate theft.
i cannot touch one single patch
of warm, faithful skin
unless you bare it
willing and freely
to the zing
of my finger.

i do not want.
desire leads to suffering.
i think nothing of that heat
in your eyes
until it's clamped
round my thighs
and i've fallen prey to
the fate-bird
of our ruin.

i had this bizarre dream this morning that involved a lot of magic and weirdness. i watched a tiny elderly japanese woman walk on water in little wooden shoes. she was trying to scoop something up out of the ocean. she came back to shore and kind of collapsed. i lifted her up into my lap and she morphed into this guy from highschool, richard hamilton, that i hadn't thought of in years. because his name was right before mine on most attendance lists his locker would always be right next to mine. he was shy and we rarely spoke even though we were in school together for six years. i said, "richard! my god! what are you doing?" and he said, "what? nothing." and i said, "yes, you were! you were a little japanese lady and you walked on water!" and he said, "no i wasn't." it was so strange! then, at one point, i was in a fancy hotel, wandering around from lobby to restaurant to some ballroom party thing. eli was holding on to me from behind and we were running together and somehow defying gravity so that it was almost like we were running on the moon. i was laughing, he was laughing, we were happy. which is weird because i don't feel happy when i think about him during my waking hours. in fact just the oppposite. the end of the dream involved letting [info]sabyorange drive me around in my car because i was too drunk to do it myself, and she crashed into this big pallet of red bricks and then she and everyone else disappeared and i was drunk and lost in some strange city, and my phone's batteries were dead, so i couldn't call for help.