i wanted to take a moment to tell you about the bizarre celebrity dreams i've had the last two nights. this morning after i got up to check on the slumber party i fell back to sleep around 4am and dreamt that i was hanging out with paris and nicky hilton. it happened quite accidentally and they were both just as awful as i imagined them to be. i left in a huff after only a short while but their parents tried to stop me outside whatever the venue was (combo restaurant/dance club, i guess?). they said they were sorry i got the brunt of their daughters' bad moods and wanted to invite me to their home so i could see that they were actually a normal, nice family. i shrugged and said sure and they drove me in a fancy SUV to their mansion. they led me up several very opulant staircases to an attic-type room where there were several personal computers. then the senior hiltons shocked the hell out of me by settling into beanbag chairs and lighting up a couple of joints. we sat around smoking and i remember saying, 'so, why do you think your kids turned out so shitty? you two seem like fairly cool parents, so i don't get it."

then, two nights ago, i dreamed that i wrote an award-winning play about being queer and homeless. people were starting to recognize me in the street and a movie executive contacted me saying they wanted me to adopt the play for the silver screen and they wanted jim carrey to play the lead. they sent him to come stay in vancouver and research the role by visiting the downtown east side and i was assigned to be his tour guide. this part of the dream seemed to go on and on - we were driving around in his fancy car (yeah, i know - doensn't sound like a very good way to research being destitute on the streets of vancouver, does it?), he was buying me dinner, we were getting to know each other, and finally he told me he was now in love with me and he wanted to know if i would consider being his "one and only special girl". i said that i didn't think that was possible at all, but inwardly i was totally flattered and crushing out on him. he then started doing TERRIBLE things while we were out together, in a petulant rage. he was throwing cups of hot coffee at street people and shouting down the tourists and just generally being a complete asshole. i was trying to figure a way to give him what-for without jeopardizing my lucrative movie contract but screwed up and screamed at him using no tact whatsoever to let me out of his "pig-mobile" and then i cried the whole way home on the skytrain knowing that i wasn't going to be able to make us rich enough to save misha from his soul-sucking life as a bus driver after all.

it started out that the upstairs of our house was overrun with squirrels. i couldn't tell if they were tame or not, so i was loathe to let the kids pet them, even though the squirrels didn't seem to be the least bit frightened of us. they were eating the cat kibble and running across our beds and stuff. the kids were delighted and invited all the neighourhood kids in to play. one of the neighbour DADS, who i've always kind of thought of as hot, also came in, and he just invited himself into our bedroom. misha was just getting up and was standing by one of the windows talking to some other adult who was outside, looking up. when hot neighbour dad came into our room i realized misha was standing there buck naked and said, "uh, honey.....everyone can see your winky." hot neighbour dad was sitting on the end of our bed and he was looking rather lasciviously at misha! he even said something about how misha's penis was quite impressive and didn't need to be hidden away on his account. i stood there gaping as hot neighbour daddy started to take off his own clothes and he and misha were making some serious sexy eye contact! when hot neighbour daddy got totally naked i realised he was misha's body twin! i started to feel pretty freaking lucky at that point, when suddenly squirrels came bounding into the room, followed closely by a hoarde of neighbourhood boys! misha and neighbour daddy were totally oblivious and starting to make-out but i felt extreme anxiety and turned to the door to make sure the kids didn't see what was happening. i was too late for one of the older boys, he couldn't tear his eyes away from the scene even though i was forcibly using my hand to steer his chin and my body to push him out of the doorway. "what...what are they doing in there?" he said as i shut the door behind me, feeling both still kind of turned on, and kind of aghast, and kind of peeved that i was being left out because i had to make sure these kids saw nothing untoward happening between their dad and my husband. "they're...they're...they're trapping squirrels," i said, nonchalantly. "now who wants some lemonade?"

it started off with me in a restaurant having brunch with cam and hamish (no sign of lisa anywhere). it was sunny and everyone was in a fabulous mood. after we ate hamish pulled me up out of my seat and we started to dance to the song "salt peanuts" by dizzy gillespie, which the restaurant was blasting. people were laughing and clapping.

everyone came back to my downtown apartment and we played board games and sat out on the balconey and smoked cigarettes and drank coffee and shouted compliments at people who were walking by. we were all laughing, the mood was very cheerful.

after a while everyone decided they had to get home and i was left alone to clean up. i started to do the dishes when there was a knock my door. i opened it up and there was dennis hopper, and an 18 year old boy he said was his son. i said, "hey dennis hopper, how's it goin?" and he said, "i'm your new neighbour and i heard a party going on so i came to check it out." and i said, "oh, but everyone went home, i'm just cleaning up." he said, "let me give you a hand then. i could smell the mess from next door." i said, "smell the mess? what?" he said, "yeah, your sink smells like t.v. dinners."

i was totally baffled as to how he could smell my sink through the walls but then i followed him into my kitchen and he was right. the sink smelled like t.v. dinners. he showed me a special way to clean it with candle wax and unspun wool. it was good as new. his 18 year old son wandered the living room conspicuously putting my things in his pockets. i decided to not say anything since it was worth losing some bric-a-brac to have dennis hopper in my house cleaning my sink.

innocent neck kiss breath
deep beat miss heart
nervous hand cling bit lip
shy contact eyes
step once closer shampoo scent
tender gaze linger
finger downfall slipping petals
hot touch surprise

i had this awful dream that i was staying in an unfamilliar house with my two kids, and it was late at night and we'd just got in from some function or another, and i was sitting at the kitchen table telling the kids what they needed to do to get ready for bed, when through the frosted glass of the door's window i saw a very large man's sillhouette appear. i wasn't expecting anyone and so i panicked when he started to jiggle the door handle. within a few seconds he had the lock popped and was coming towards me. i realized that i couldn't freak out or the kids would freak out so i just stood up really quickly and and said, "hi there handsome," and he grabbed me by the upper-arms and i was thinking, i should act like he's by boyfriend and get him to take me into the bedroom so the kids won't see me being raped, and he was saying nothing, just trying to wrestle me down to the ground and the kids were standing there staring at us and then something in me snapped. i became unfrozen and jerked my arms out of his grasp. i made my hands into fists and started clubbing him in the face as hard as i could. i yelled at the kids, "run, run to the neighbours, run! tell them mommy's in trouble, just go!" and they ran out the door as the man started to try to hit me back. i grabbed one of his wrists and let his other hand hit me in the face. even though it hurt and i felt temporarily blinded i managed to wrangle his arm behind his back and he bent over and shouted in pain. i was behind him now and forced my knee up hard into his kidney. this made him collapse down onto his knees and i fell with him and pinned him under me. any time he tried to move or wriggle i forced his arm up into his back further and he'd shriek in pain. and i just remember saying, "you fucking idiot. did you really think i'd let you rape me twice? did you really think i'd let you do that in front of my kids?" and he was crying incoherently.

someone please stand up, shine a light on y'self, out here in this fog
someone please stand up, and show me the way, show me the way to you.
i read in a book that you were going to come out to find me
i read in a book that i was going to be saved
and i'm ready, i wanna know if you know that i'm ready

if you think i don't have mixed emotions, well, you're wrong
i lived down here, in muck and tree roots, since well before you were born
but i see you out there, out there in the fog, in the dark
swinging a torch, and calling
call me out now
call me out now
i don't wanna be lost no more.

someone please stand up, shine that torch in the sky, illuminate this dark
someone please stand up, hold your hand out to me, pull me up, pull me up
i had a dream that someone was crying thinly, out in the night
i had a dream that i had to go find her
and was i shocked, was i ever, when i found she was crying for me

i told you once that i was okay, oh why, why did you believe me
i knew my place was here with you, long before i gave up hope and pleasure
i hang back and watch you climbing trees out there in the sun, in leaves
swinging your hammock strings, and humming
hum a bit louder now
hum a bit louder now
i don't wanna be quiet no more.

i always wanted to jump INTO, not OUT OF, a giant cake

a long time ago, do you remember?
i was your best birthday present.
colourfully wrapped in apprehension,
topped with a big bow knotted from desire.
did that really happen?
it seems so far away now.
i never knew if what you said was true.
i wish i could ask you now
what you'd like for your next birthday.
is it still me?

words don't express my meaning

i had a dream last night that we were in an old, empty house together, exploring. it was unnervingly quiet, but when we spoke it didn't echo. instead our words were muffled by the peeling wallpaper, by the exposed fibre glass insulation, by the ancient breezes our movements made, stirring dust. our words would leave our mouths but drop nearly instantly to the floor. you took to speaking very close to my ear so that your meaning would not be lost to the filmy light straining through the dirty windows. this light would make rectangular patches of the hardwood floors glow, but did not reflect, did not expand, and so most of the house remained in shadow, even though it was mid-day.

i wandered up the main staircase to the second floor while i listened to you rattling around in the back of the house, maybe in the kitchen. were you, was i planning on buying the place? why were we here? i couldn't remember. the stairs were silent, the floorboards did not creak. i felt grains under my hand as i slid my palm up the warm wooden bannister and looked back to see i'd left a long thick gleaming trail in the dust. all the doors on the second floor were closed and the hallway was dark. still, i was not afraid.

i rounded a corner and you surprised me by appearing at the other end of the corridor. "secret stairs from the kitchen!" you explained, your eyes glittering in conspiracy. "how fun is that?" i grinned. "come with," you urged me, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards a narrow door that was nearly invisible in the wall.

we pulled it open. it was a landing, with the stairs that headed down to the kitchen on our right and stairs that led up to places unknown on the left. you pulled me left, behind you. it was narrow, so narrow my hips were making whispering noises against the walls as we took step after step. i noticed your shoes, your jeans, your belt, your ass. my body tensed up suddenly, in a thrilling way.

at the top there was another door but it was locked. you pulled a skeleton key from your pocket and slipped it into the keyhole. in a metallic rattling moment, the door swung open and i followed you in.

the attic was clean and bare, free of the dust that plagued the rest of the old house. against the wall under the circle-shaped window that looked out over the front yard was a large old cot made up with bohemian bedding, none of it matching. you turned and looked at me, breathless. i was not sure i understood. "what..." i said, about to put a voice to my questions. you stopped me with an unexpected kiss that was sudden and hurt my lips against my teeth...for a second.

but how could i stay uncertain in your embrace? how could i say no? if you're ready, i am. it's always been that way.

we laid on the bed. i was naked and goosebumps rose on my flesh. you gently covered me with a lightly scented flannel blanket, fresh soapsmell rising from the air beneath. afternoon was fading with every light kiss you placed on the tendons on my neck, on my collar bone. with every warm palm and each nervous, shuddering breath. i like the way the light looks in here, at this time, with the grey day fading to blue evening. i took what you gave; you took me.

molly, i dreamed about you last night. somehow we got our kids sitters and went together to see a documentary about miro's life, that was airing at this wine-making college. the movie talked a lot about his early life, before he met you, and showed how he had adopted this little chocolate point siamese cat with one eye. i got really excited at that point and said, "molly, molly, that was OUR cat! that was bagheera!" and you patted my hand and said, "yes, i know. the cat got lost during one of miro's moves and you guys found him and took him in. i've know it all along." and i was just stunned that we'd had this connection pre-LJ, however loose it was.

then the movie was over and we were leaving and you were giving me a ride in your car. it was parked next to this hotrod and the hotrod was parked so close that i couldn't open the passenger side door. a guy got into it and sped off, peeling his tires really obnoxiously. he then tore around the parking lot a couple times doing donuts and leaving skid marks. finally he pulled up to where we were again and got out. "i'm thinking i might buy this car but i think the guy selling it is overcharging. what do you think?" he asked us. you just shook your head and said, "i think you're a major fucking douchebag, is what i think." i started laughing so hard i woke myself up.

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

William Butler Yeats