it started off with me in a restaurant having brunch with cam and hamish (no sign of lisa anywhere). it was sunny and everyone was in a fabulous mood. after we ate hamish pulled me up out of my seat and we started to dance to the song "salt peanuts" by dizzy gillespie, which the restaurant was blasting. people were laughing and clapping.
everyone came back to my downtown apartment and we played board games and sat out on the balconey and smoked cigarettes and drank coffee and shouted compliments at people who were walking by. we were all laughing, the mood was very cheerful.
after a while everyone decided they had to get home and i was left alone to clean up. i started to do the dishes when there was a knock my door. i opened it up and there was dennis hopper, and an 18 year old boy he said was his son. i said, "hey dennis hopper, how's it goin?" and he said, "i'm your new neighbour and i heard a party going on so i came to check it out." and i said, "oh, but everyone went home, i'm just cleaning up." he said, "let me give you a hand then. i could smell the mess from next door." i said, "smell the mess? what?" he said, "yeah, your sink smells like t.v. dinners."
i was totally baffled as to how he could smell my sink through the walls but then i followed him into my kitchen and he was right. the sink smelled like t.v. dinners. he showed me a special way to clean it with candle wax and unspun wool. it was good as new. his 18 year old son wandered the living room conspicuously putting my things in his pockets. i decided to not say anything since it was worth losing some bric-a-brac to have dennis hopper in my house cleaning my sink.
2007/04/28
2007/04/14
2007/03/31
i had this awful dream that i was staying in an unfamilliar house with my two kids, and it was late at night and we'd just got in from some function or another, and i was sitting at the kitchen table telling the kids what they needed to do to get ready for bed, when through the frosted glass of the door's window i saw a very large man's sillhouette appear. i wasn't expecting anyone and so i panicked when he started to jiggle the door handle. within a few seconds he had the lock popped and was coming towards me. i realized that i couldn't freak out or the kids would freak out so i just stood up really quickly and and said, "hi there handsome," and he grabbed me by the upper-arms and i was thinking, i should act like he's by boyfriend and get him to take me into the bedroom so the kids won't see me being raped, and he was saying nothing, just trying to wrestle me down to the ground and the kids were standing there staring at us and then something in me snapped. i became unfrozen and jerked my arms out of his grasp. i made my hands into fists and started clubbing him in the face as hard as i could. i yelled at the kids, "run, run to the neighbours, run! tell them mommy's in trouble, just go!" and they ran out the door as the man started to try to hit me back. i grabbed one of his wrists and let his other hand hit me in the face. even though it hurt and i felt temporarily blinded i managed to wrangle his arm behind his back and he bent over and shouted in pain. i was behind him now and forced my knee up hard into his kidney. this made him collapse down onto his knees and i fell with him and pinned him under me. any time he tried to move or wriggle i forced his arm up into his back further and he'd shriek in pain. and i just remember saying, "you fucking idiot. did you really think i'd let you rape me twice? did you really think i'd let you do that in front of my kids?" and he was crying incoherently.
2007/03/21
someone please stand up, shine a light on y'self, out here in this fog
someone please stand up, and show me the way, show me the way to you.
i read in a book that you were going to come out to find me
i read in a book that i was going to be saved
and i'm ready, i wanna know if you know that i'm ready
if you think i don't have mixed emotions, well, you're wrong
i lived down here, in muck and tree roots, since well before you were born
but i see you out there, out there in the fog, in the dark
swinging a torch, and calling
call me out now
call me out now
i don't wanna be lost no more.
someone please stand up, shine that torch in the sky, illuminate this dark
someone please stand up, hold your hand out to me, pull me up, pull me up
i had a dream that someone was crying thinly, out in the night
i had a dream that i had to go find her
and was i shocked, was i ever, when i found she was crying for me
i told you once that i was okay, oh why, why did you believe me
i knew my place was here with you, long before i gave up hope and pleasure
i hang back and watch you climbing trees out there in the sun, in leaves
swinging your hammock strings, and humming
hum a bit louder now
hum a bit louder now
i don't wanna be quiet no more.
someone please stand up, and show me the way, show me the way to you.
i read in a book that you were going to come out to find me
i read in a book that i was going to be saved
and i'm ready, i wanna know if you know that i'm ready
if you think i don't have mixed emotions, well, you're wrong
i lived down here, in muck and tree roots, since well before you were born
but i see you out there, out there in the fog, in the dark
swinging a torch, and calling
call me out now
call me out now
i don't wanna be lost no more.
someone please stand up, shine that torch in the sky, illuminate this dark
someone please stand up, hold your hand out to me, pull me up, pull me up
i had a dream that someone was crying thinly, out in the night
i had a dream that i had to go find her
and was i shocked, was i ever, when i found she was crying for me
i told you once that i was okay, oh why, why did you believe me
i knew my place was here with you, long before i gave up hope and pleasure
i hang back and watch you climbing trees out there in the sun, in leaves
swinging your hammock strings, and humming
hum a bit louder now
hum a bit louder now
i don't wanna be quiet no more.
2007/03/15
i always wanted to jump INTO, not OUT OF, a giant cake
a long time ago, do you remember?
i was your best birthday present.
colourfully wrapped in apprehension,
topped with a big bow knotted from desire.
did that really happen?
it seems so far away now.
i never knew if what you said was true.
i wish i could ask you now
what you'd like for your next birthday.
is it still me?
i was your best birthday present.
colourfully wrapped in apprehension,
topped with a big bow knotted from desire.
did that really happen?
it seems so far away now.
i never knew if what you said was true.
i wish i could ask you now
what you'd like for your next birthday.
is it still me?
2007/02/26
words don't express my meaning
i had a dream last night that we were in an old, empty house together, exploring. it was unnervingly quiet, but when we spoke it didn't echo. instead our words were muffled by the peeling wallpaper, by the exposed fibre glass insulation, by the ancient breezes our movements made, stirring dust. our words would leave our mouths but drop nearly instantly to the floor. you took to speaking very close to my ear so that your meaning would not be lost to the filmy light straining through the dirty windows. this light would make rectangular patches of the hardwood floors glow, but did not reflect, did not expand, and so most of the house remained in shadow, even though it was mid-day.
i wandered up the main staircase to the second floor while i listened to you rattling around in the back of the house, maybe in the kitchen. were you, was i planning on buying the place? why were we here? i couldn't remember. the stairs were silent, the floorboards did not creak. i felt grains under my hand as i slid my palm up the warm wooden bannister and looked back to see i'd left a long thick gleaming trail in the dust. all the doors on the second floor were closed and the hallway was dark. still, i was not afraid.
i rounded a corner and you surprised me by appearing at the other end of the corridor. "secret stairs from the kitchen!" you explained, your eyes glittering in conspiracy. "how fun is that?" i grinned. "come with," you urged me, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards a narrow door that was nearly invisible in the wall.
we pulled it open. it was a landing, with the stairs that headed down to the kitchen on our right and stairs that led up to places unknown on the left. you pulled me left, behind you. it was narrow, so narrow my hips were making whispering noises against the walls as we took step after step. i noticed your shoes, your jeans, your belt, your ass. my body tensed up suddenly, in a thrilling way.
at the top there was another door but it was locked. you pulled a skeleton key from your pocket and slipped it into the keyhole. in a metallic rattling moment, the door swung open and i followed you in.
the attic was clean and bare, free of the dust that plagued the rest of the old house. against the wall under the circle-shaped window that looked out over the front yard was a large old cot made up with bohemian bedding, none of it matching. you turned and looked at me, breathless. i was not sure i understood. "what..." i said, about to put a voice to my questions. you stopped me with an unexpected kiss that was sudden and hurt my lips against my teeth...for a second.
but how could i stay uncertain in your embrace? how could i say no? if you're ready, i am. it's always been that way.
we laid on the bed. i was naked and goosebumps rose on my flesh. you gently covered me with a lightly scented flannel blanket, fresh soapsmell rising from the air beneath. afternoon was fading with every light kiss you placed on the tendons on my neck, on my collar bone. with every warm palm and each nervous, shuddering breath. i like the way the light looks in here, at this time, with the grey day fading to blue evening. i took what you gave; you took me.
i wandered up the main staircase to the second floor while i listened to you rattling around in the back of the house, maybe in the kitchen. were you, was i planning on buying the place? why were we here? i couldn't remember. the stairs were silent, the floorboards did not creak. i felt grains under my hand as i slid my palm up the warm wooden bannister and looked back to see i'd left a long thick gleaming trail in the dust. all the doors on the second floor were closed and the hallway was dark. still, i was not afraid.
i rounded a corner and you surprised me by appearing at the other end of the corridor. "secret stairs from the kitchen!" you explained, your eyes glittering in conspiracy. "how fun is that?" i grinned. "come with," you urged me, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards a narrow door that was nearly invisible in the wall.
we pulled it open. it was a landing, with the stairs that headed down to the kitchen on our right and stairs that led up to places unknown on the left. you pulled me left, behind you. it was narrow, so narrow my hips were making whispering noises against the walls as we took step after step. i noticed your shoes, your jeans, your belt, your ass. my body tensed up suddenly, in a thrilling way.
at the top there was another door but it was locked. you pulled a skeleton key from your pocket and slipped it into the keyhole. in a metallic rattling moment, the door swung open and i followed you in.
the attic was clean and bare, free of the dust that plagued the rest of the old house. against the wall under the circle-shaped window that looked out over the front yard was a large old cot made up with bohemian bedding, none of it matching. you turned and looked at me, breathless. i was not sure i understood. "what..." i said, about to put a voice to my questions. you stopped me with an unexpected kiss that was sudden and hurt my lips against my teeth...for a second.
but how could i stay uncertain in your embrace? how could i say no? if you're ready, i am. it's always been that way.
we laid on the bed. i was naked and goosebumps rose on my flesh. you gently covered me with a lightly scented flannel blanket, fresh soapsmell rising from the air beneath. afternoon was fading with every light kiss you placed on the tendons on my neck, on my collar bone. with every warm palm and each nervous, shuddering breath. i like the way the light looks in here, at this time, with the grey day fading to blue evening. i took what you gave; you took me.
2007/02/18
molly, i dreamed about you last night. somehow we got our kids sitters and went together to see a documentary about miro's life, that was airing at this wine-making college. the movie talked a lot about his early life, before he met you, and showed how he had adopted this little chocolate point siamese cat with one eye. i got really excited at that point and said, "molly, molly, that was OUR cat! that was bagheera!" and you patted my hand and said, "yes, i know. the cat got lost during one of miro's moves and you guys found him and took him in. i've know it all along." and i was just stunned that we'd had this connection pre-LJ, however loose it was.
then the movie was over and we were leaving and you were giving me a ride in your car. it was parked next to this hotrod and the hotrod was parked so close that i couldn't open the passenger side door. a guy got into it and sped off, peeling his tires really obnoxiously. he then tore around the parking lot a couple times doing donuts and leaving skid marks. finally he pulled up to where we were again and got out. "i'm thinking i might buy this car but i think the guy selling it is overcharging. what do you think?" he asked us. you just shook your head and said, "i think you're a major fucking douchebag, is what i think." i started laughing so hard i woke myself up.
then the movie was over and we were leaving and you were giving me a ride in your car. it was parked next to this hotrod and the hotrod was parked so close that i couldn't open the passenger side door. a guy got into it and sped off, peeling his tires really obnoxiously. he then tore around the parking lot a couple times doing donuts and leaving skid marks. finally he pulled up to where we were again and got out. "i'm thinking i might buy this car but i think the guy selling it is overcharging. what do you think?" he asked us. you just shook your head and said, "i think you're a major fucking douchebag, is what i think." i started laughing so hard i woke myself up.
2007/02/13
When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
William Butler Yeats
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
William Butler Yeats
2007/02/10
how this will end
it bothers me to think that the slippery, delicate morsels of lovewords that fell so easily from your lips to my ears can disintegrate and vanish so utterly.
i can lay awake for hours in the stuffy bedroom, the shades all drawn against the city, and sirens howling outside, and night heaving against the window panes. i can remember how carefully crafted every breath you laced with your sweet nothings seemed.
where did they go, i wonder. were they so insubstantial that once you stopped speaking they simply ceased to exist? or are they somewhere else, in someone else's ear, heating their cheeks and awakening their heartrate? unfaithful declarations! i feel betrayed.
are they recycled, do they reincarnate, have you trapped them in your little dark heart and pressed them down from coal to diamonds? do they glitter, sharp angles, inside you? did they escape out the door the moment you turned your back and become breezes, or raindrops, or a single finch on a winter branch, looking in on me while i sleep?
i like to think they are hiding in corners and lurking in doorways. or maybe they are trapped in my hair. or on a cross-canadian journey, lodged in smoky inns. or, like me, they could be watching from the shadows, and waiting for the perfect moment to re-appear.
i can lay awake for hours in the stuffy bedroom, the shades all drawn against the city, and sirens howling outside, and night heaving against the window panes. i can remember how carefully crafted every breath you laced with your sweet nothings seemed.
where did they go, i wonder. were they so insubstantial that once you stopped speaking they simply ceased to exist? or are they somewhere else, in someone else's ear, heating their cheeks and awakening their heartrate? unfaithful declarations! i feel betrayed.
are they recycled, do they reincarnate, have you trapped them in your little dark heart and pressed them down from coal to diamonds? do they glitter, sharp angles, inside you? did they escape out the door the moment you turned your back and become breezes, or raindrops, or a single finch on a winter branch, looking in on me while i sleep?
i like to think they are hiding in corners and lurking in doorways. or maybe they are trapped in my hair. or on a cross-canadian journey, lodged in smoky inns. or, like me, they could be watching from the shadows, and waiting for the perfect moment to re-appear.
2007/02/04
"hee hee. 'get her!' that was your whole plan, huh? 'get her.' very scientific."
i had an orgy with the cast of ghostbusters circa 1984 last night.
bill murray is a bit of a cold fish but dan aykroyd is packing! harold ramis was bashful but totally opened up after watching for a little while. ernie hudson just couldn't believe his luck!
bill murray is a bit of a cold fish but dan aykroyd is packing! harold ramis was bashful but totally opened up after watching for a little while. ernie hudson just couldn't believe his luck!
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