i am going to run away in bare feet and let my hair grow wild;
i'll never comb it or wash my face.
i'll learn to hunt and listen for water and i'll grow my nails long.
trees and i will sing the same songs to stars and nightbirds alive or dead.
and in the dark when wolves howl alongside us
i'll sleep, not fear.
i'll nurse my wounds with grey-green moss let my eyes grow mild.
no cups to hold my river water
my mouth below the surface will gulp and frighten fishes there.
and when it rains i'll cry too; in every drop reflected four times.
facet one: i was small. facet two: i was mother.
facet three: i was hurt. facet four: i cried with you.
2006/11/14
dirty
i hit the dream jackpot. naked hot tub party with a big crush of mine. he got too hot in the tub and stepped out and kind of leaned back on his elbows. his body is so long and lean. he's at least 6'2 or 6'3". the air was full of steam and it was rising off his body in waves and i climbed out too and just kind of straddled his lap and said, "let's pretend to have sex." (i know! pretend? dream me is so weird.) and he said, "ok!" and so we were doing this thing where we were kissing but not touching our lips to each other and running our hands over one another's body's without making contact and it was very hot and very, very strange. now i want to try it with someone.
2006/11/07
we had gone camping at the base of a mountain, i think out on the similkameen river. the time was the present and it was cold, a light dusting of snow on the ground, and getting colder. the day was grey. misha took the kids on an afternoon hike and i used my time alone at the campsite to sit back in my camping chair, keep warm by the blazing fire, and smoke some reefer. the woods around me were completely still, the river was rushing by in a muted roar and tiny icy flakes of snow were falling all around me. it felt perfect.
suddenly, a cop car pulled up next to our van. i panicked and tried to nonchalantly hide the weed and the pipe but there really was nowhere for them to go without it looking very conspicuous; so i decided to just put them under my chair, and act cool. the cop got out of his cruiser and walked directly over to me.
"hey," he said.
"hello, officer. is there some problem?"
"no, no problem. i met your husband up on the road there. he mentioned you'd be here." i waited for him to volunteer more information but he was just looking all around the campsite as though he'd lost something. he looked a little like the farmer out of the movie "babe". finally he glanced under my camping chair and spotted the stash.
"ahhh," he said, grinning and rubbing his hands together in near-glee.
"oh, uh, uh..." i stuttered, as he reached below me and pulled the pipe and baggy out. "i...uh...uh..."
he just looked at me and shook his head. i was sure i was busted. to my shock, however, he opened up the baggy and loaded himself a huge bowl of weed. i sat there with my mouth agape, watching the cop toke it up with my stash. after he'd had a few hits he said, through a lungful of smoke, "misha said it'd be cool. it's cool, right?"
my mouth still hanging open i nodded mutely at him. he coughed and tried to pass me the pipe but i held up my hand and just shook my head. "no. no thanks," i replied. "i never touch the stuff."
at that point, misha returned to the site and he and the cop had a couple of laughs, clapping each other on the shoulder. the cop said, "hey, thanks a lot, meesh." misha nodded and the cop continued, "i just wanna warn you guys, environment canada says a massive arctic front is moving in. it's going to drop in temperature another fifteen or twenty degrees in the next day. you won't be warm enough out here. you'd better head home. the whole of the lower mainland is going to freeze over."
suddenly we found ourselves on the 30th floor of a highrise in downtown vancouver, overlooking the entire city. the cop had been right. everything was coated in a thick crust of hard ice. the streets were deserted and everything was silent. we stood on the balconey and inhaled the subzero air, astonished.
"look," misha said, pointing at the harbour, "the ocean..."
it was frozen solid. the sky was an ominous grey. i was shivering and wanted to go inside. just as i turned, i saw something coming towards us, through the air. i did a double take when i realized it was a dolphin, flying directly at us, tail down and head up, using it's flippers to propel it forward, and it's tail to steer. it was making a clicking noise as it approached.
"what. the. fuck." i said, tugging misha's sleeve and pointing at the dolphin. it was only a few meters away. misha stared too, agape.
the dolphin came right up to the balconey and i reached out to touch it's cold and rubbery nose. it prodded my hand back and beeped at me playfully. misha was laughing and saying, "i guess because the ocean froze, the dolphins had to learn to fly!" i was simply astonished and moved by what was happening. i held my arms out to the dolphin as if it hug it. it moved into my embrace and i held it tight, like a baby. i wriggled in my arms as though it never wanted to leave and i hauled it over the edge of the balconey and then misha hugged it too and we stood there for a long time, nuzzling it and trying to warm it up. it didn't seem to want to leave, but i felt that if it didn't find some unfrozen stretch of ocean soon there were going to be problems.
"we have no fish, we have no salt water," i was saying to misha.
"the tub," he said, "we'll fill it. and we can go buy some tuna. it will work."
i pondered this for a few minutes.
"ok," i said, doubtfully, and pressing my forehead up against the chattering dolphin's nose. "but the dog is gonna be so jealous."
suddenly, a cop car pulled up next to our van. i panicked and tried to nonchalantly hide the weed and the pipe but there really was nowhere for them to go without it looking very conspicuous; so i decided to just put them under my chair, and act cool. the cop got out of his cruiser and walked directly over to me.
"hey," he said.
"hello, officer. is there some problem?"
"no, no problem. i met your husband up on the road there. he mentioned you'd be here." i waited for him to volunteer more information but he was just looking all around the campsite as though he'd lost something. he looked a little like the farmer out of the movie "babe". finally he glanced under my camping chair and spotted the stash.
"ahhh," he said, grinning and rubbing his hands together in near-glee.
"oh, uh, uh..." i stuttered, as he reached below me and pulled the pipe and baggy out. "i...uh...uh..."
he just looked at me and shook his head. i was sure i was busted. to my shock, however, he opened up the baggy and loaded himself a huge bowl of weed. i sat there with my mouth agape, watching the cop toke it up with my stash. after he'd had a few hits he said, through a lungful of smoke, "misha said it'd be cool. it's cool, right?"
my mouth still hanging open i nodded mutely at him. he coughed and tried to pass me the pipe but i held up my hand and just shook my head. "no. no thanks," i replied. "i never touch the stuff."
at that point, misha returned to the site and he and the cop had a couple of laughs, clapping each other on the shoulder. the cop said, "hey, thanks a lot, meesh." misha nodded and the cop continued, "i just wanna warn you guys, environment canada says a massive arctic front is moving in. it's going to drop in temperature another fifteen or twenty degrees in the next day. you won't be warm enough out here. you'd better head home. the whole of the lower mainland is going to freeze over."
suddenly we found ourselves on the 30th floor of a highrise in downtown vancouver, overlooking the entire city. the cop had been right. everything was coated in a thick crust of hard ice. the streets were deserted and everything was silent. we stood on the balconey and inhaled the subzero air, astonished.
"look," misha said, pointing at the harbour, "the ocean..."
it was frozen solid. the sky was an ominous grey. i was shivering and wanted to go inside. just as i turned, i saw something coming towards us, through the air. i did a double take when i realized it was a dolphin, flying directly at us, tail down and head up, using it's flippers to propel it forward, and it's tail to steer. it was making a clicking noise as it approached.
"what. the. fuck." i said, tugging misha's sleeve and pointing at the dolphin. it was only a few meters away. misha stared too, agape.
the dolphin came right up to the balconey and i reached out to touch it's cold and rubbery nose. it prodded my hand back and beeped at me playfully. misha was laughing and saying, "i guess because the ocean froze, the dolphins had to learn to fly!" i was simply astonished and moved by what was happening. i held my arms out to the dolphin as if it hug it. it moved into my embrace and i held it tight, like a baby. i wriggled in my arms as though it never wanted to leave and i hauled it over the edge of the balconey and then misha hugged it too and we stood there for a long time, nuzzling it and trying to warm it up. it didn't seem to want to leave, but i felt that if it didn't find some unfrozen stretch of ocean soon there were going to be problems.
"we have no fish, we have no salt water," i was saying to misha.
"the tub," he said, "we'll fill it. and we can go buy some tuna. it will work."
i pondered this for a few minutes.
"ok," i said, doubtfully, and pressing my forehead up against the chattering dolphin's nose. "but the dog is gonna be so jealous."
2006/11/03
i was laying on a sidewalk looking up at the trees and sunny autumn sky and a skunk came trundling out of the bushes from the house i was laying in front of and crawled on top of my body and nuzzled me sweetly, and when i pet her, she purred, and i thought to myself that the stink wasn't really so bad once you breathed it for a while.
2006/10/20
your to do list
lover, i am drowning not waving.
please take my hand
lift me up
dry my hair
kiss my forehead
dress my scraped knees
make me tea
read me poems
tuck me in
and love me still
in five thousand mornings.
please take my hand
lift me up
dry my hair
kiss my forehead
dress my scraped knees
make me tea
read me poems
tuck me in
and love me still
in five thousand mornings.
2006/10/03
i had a dream i was in some kind of race. at the beginning of the race i was told that because i had "certain advantages" i had to compete on my hands and knees instead of on my two feet. it was a long course, that started on a steep grassy slope, involved going up into a multi-tiered treehouse and down again, through mud and brambles, woods and rocky beaches. every part of the course had it's challenge. the grassy slope was so steep that i ended just tumbling directly down it, hurting myself. the treehouse was built for children and i had trouble fitting in the doors and boards and ropes were breaking under my weight. my competitors were all passing me with ease, smaller, lighter, faster, and on their feet.
i was crying once i got to the bottom of the tree again, knowing that i'd been set up to fail. i tried to move through the mud but my legs stopped working with the force of my sobbing, so i lay in it, my cheek against the wet muck, people's feet slopping past me and spraying me until i was coated. spiderman appeared and held out his gloved hand to help me. i took it and he said, "just get up, christa. what are you doing? get on your feet."
i balked as he started to pull me upright. "i have to do the race on my hands and knees," i said.
he shook his head. "you were the one that set this race up, girl, months ago! you invited everyone to play and you set the rules. everyone else is following your lead. why did you tell yourself you had to crawl while everyone else ran?"
more people sloshed by us, spattering more mud on my face and body. i suddenly felt more depressed than i ever had before in my entire life. spiderman let go of my hand, and waited a moment, looking down at me expectantly. then he shook his head, as though i were a lost cause, and ran on by himself.
i was crying once i got to the bottom of the tree again, knowing that i'd been set up to fail. i tried to move through the mud but my legs stopped working with the force of my sobbing, so i lay in it, my cheek against the wet muck, people's feet slopping past me and spraying me until i was coated. spiderman appeared and held out his gloved hand to help me. i took it and he said, "just get up, christa. what are you doing? get on your feet."
i balked as he started to pull me upright. "i have to do the race on my hands and knees," i said.
he shook his head. "you were the one that set this race up, girl, months ago! you invited everyone to play and you set the rules. everyone else is following your lead. why did you tell yourself you had to crawl while everyone else ran?"
more people sloshed by us, spattering more mud on my face and body. i suddenly felt more depressed than i ever had before in my entire life. spiderman let go of my hand, and waited a moment, looking down at me expectantly. then he shook his head, as though i were a lost cause, and ran on by himself.
2006/09/24
dear christa
You could have knocked me over with a feather
But you used your hips instead
And I lay there on the gravel thinking
(oh ho - but not with my head)
Among all the lies I tell myself
Every morning I wake and put the clock on the shelf,
The worst is "One day I'll be free
Of the terrible awakening she caused in me."
See, what was woken can no longer sleep in peace
Though you bruise it with neglect
I never mind, I count out time
And curse, and crick my neck.
And read every word you write in space
They read like stars falling all over my face
And hoping but knowing your love thrives just fine
In rocks and through seas that maybe aren't mine.
(love, j)
But you used your hips instead
And I lay there on the gravel thinking
(oh ho - but not with my head)
Among all the lies I tell myself
Every morning I wake and put the clock on the shelf,
The worst is "One day I'll be free
Of the terrible awakening she caused in me."
See, what was woken can no longer sleep in peace
Though you bruise it with neglect
I never mind, I count out time
And curse, and crick my neck.
And read every word you write in space
They read like stars falling all over my face
And hoping but knowing your love thrives just fine
In rocks and through seas that maybe aren't mine.
(love, j)
free hugs
in my dream, i was giving out free hugs in front of my farmer market stall. i was holding the big sign, and people were coming in droves to try bites of cookies and hug me.
then you appeared and my heart skipped a beat, as it always does, awake or asleep. you stood in the line for hugs and free samples and when it was your turn you refused the free sample and just put your arms around me. i smelled you, felt your warmth, buried my face in your neck, felt your hairline against my forehead. you hugged me until the person in line behind you tapped you on the shoulder and reminded you others were waiting. you moved, almost kissing me but not, and i hugged the next person. and the next, and the next. some would take the free sample of cookies first, some waited until after, and no one was buying. but everyone was walking away happy. after i hugged a little old lady i thought was my gramma, you were there in front of me again, having stood in line for a long time for your second chance. again, i fell into your embrace, longing so much for more than this, knowing that once free hugs were over, that would be it, we were finished until the next time circumstances allowed us our moments together. your hands moved slowly up and down my back, fingers dipping into my hair, a finger sliding along my ear. i felt your chest move up and down with your breathing, and the warm cotton of your t-shirt was soft against my cheek.
the person in line behind you coughed politely, and you reluctantly let go. i offered you another sample, and you refused, again. i was blushing and we waved goodbye. the line-up was longer this time and i felt moved by the numbers of people coming in just for hugs from me. i did not feel tired or put-upon, every contact made was energizing and beautiful. sometimes people would hug me almost absentmindedly even though they'd stood in line for several minutes just to do it. they'd be chewing their sample of vegan cookie or talking distractedly to their friends. i got one-arm hugs, and loosey-goosey hugs. i got a very tight hug from a small woman who was crying and i patted her hair and said, "there, there." and as she walked away smiling through her tears, there you were again, standing in line, waiting for me, again.
this time i laughed out loud and didn't blush. we went through the motions. i tried to offer you a free sample, you refused, saying you were only here for the hug. i put my arms out, palms up, inviting you in, and you came forward. at the first moment of torso contact i felt something give in my chest and i started to cry. then it was you patting my hair, while i watched fat drops fall from my cheeks onto your t-shirt shoulder and make dark spots. your mouth moved to my ear and said, "you might love me, you know."
my whole body tensed up with the words, and then i relaxed again, and replied, "i know i might."
then you appeared and my heart skipped a beat, as it always does, awake or asleep. you stood in the line for hugs and free samples and when it was your turn you refused the free sample and just put your arms around me. i smelled you, felt your warmth, buried my face in your neck, felt your hairline against my forehead. you hugged me until the person in line behind you tapped you on the shoulder and reminded you others were waiting. you moved, almost kissing me but not, and i hugged the next person. and the next, and the next. some would take the free sample of cookies first, some waited until after, and no one was buying. but everyone was walking away happy. after i hugged a little old lady i thought was my gramma, you were there in front of me again, having stood in line for a long time for your second chance. again, i fell into your embrace, longing so much for more than this, knowing that once free hugs were over, that would be it, we were finished until the next time circumstances allowed us our moments together. your hands moved slowly up and down my back, fingers dipping into my hair, a finger sliding along my ear. i felt your chest move up and down with your breathing, and the warm cotton of your t-shirt was soft against my cheek.
the person in line behind you coughed politely, and you reluctantly let go. i offered you another sample, and you refused, again. i was blushing and we waved goodbye. the line-up was longer this time and i felt moved by the numbers of people coming in just for hugs from me. i did not feel tired or put-upon, every contact made was energizing and beautiful. sometimes people would hug me almost absentmindedly even though they'd stood in line for several minutes just to do it. they'd be chewing their sample of vegan cookie or talking distractedly to their friends. i got one-arm hugs, and loosey-goosey hugs. i got a very tight hug from a small woman who was crying and i patted her hair and said, "there, there." and as she walked away smiling through her tears, there you were again, standing in line, waiting for me, again.
this time i laughed out loud and didn't blush. we went through the motions. i tried to offer you a free sample, you refused, saying you were only here for the hug. i put my arms out, palms up, inviting you in, and you came forward. at the first moment of torso contact i felt something give in my chest and i started to cry. then it was you patting my hair, while i watched fat drops fall from my cheeks onto your t-shirt shoulder and make dark spots. your mouth moved to my ear and said, "you might love me, you know."
my whole body tensed up with the words, and then i relaxed again, and replied, "i know i might."
2006/09/21
2006/08/18
i was in a basement room with someone i'm sweet on. we were looking through my mom's old LP collection: king crimson, zappa, the beatles, zeppelin. he asked if the turntable there worked, and i said, "i'm pretty sure, but the needle might need replacing."
suddenly he was gone and i was left standing there holding a "bay city rollers" record. the light changed from table lamps to a bare swinging bulb. i heard water dripping and looked up. the walls and ceiling had been wallpapered over but up in the corner the paper had a little pinhole and drops of water were coming out. "shit, we have a leak from that toilet upstairs," i thought, and went over to investigate. as i did, another leak sprung through. "damn," i said. then another leak. then another. i finally called up the stairs, "leon! can you bring down some pots or something?"
"what?" was his reply, irritated.
"there are leaks down here, i need pots and pans to catch them!" i shouted. i was getting close to the wallpapered wall and ceiling and noticed it was bulging and looking thin. against my better judgement i poked at it and was shocked at how easily it gave way, the way my finger slid right in. i pulled it out and a gush of water flowed out. the hole i'd made weakened the rest of the wallpaper and more and more spots were wearing through, water pulsing out, all over, splashing on the cement floor, on my mom's LP collection, over my bare feet and the cushions me and my sweetheart had been sitting on. i started to panic a little and climbed up the stairs backwards a few steps, watching the basement flood, calling, "leon, leon hurry!"
suddenly the lights went out completely, both upstairs and down. leon was stomping through the hallway at the top of the stairs, swearing, "fucking lazy bitch. get your own fucking pans. i'm not your fucking gopher. FUCK." i started crying there, on the bare wooden stairs, in the dark, cold water swirling up around my ankles.
"leon, please!" i shouted, too afraid to move in the dark. i craned my head around to look up through the dark doorway and saw his silhouette standing there. he wasn't swearing anymore, but he was taking off his work jacket, and saying, "fine, but YOU better fucking be the one to bring it back up." he hurled the balled up jacket at me through the dark. i tried to cry out that it wasn't his coat i needed (though i did suddenly figure out i was naked), but pots and pans, to catch leaks. i tried to dodge the coat, and the movement sent me rolling off the stairs, head over heels, and into icy black water.
suddenly he was gone and i was left standing there holding a "bay city rollers" record. the light changed from table lamps to a bare swinging bulb. i heard water dripping and looked up. the walls and ceiling had been wallpapered over but up in the corner the paper had a little pinhole and drops of water were coming out. "shit, we have a leak from that toilet upstairs," i thought, and went over to investigate. as i did, another leak sprung through. "damn," i said. then another leak. then another. i finally called up the stairs, "leon! can you bring down some pots or something?"
"what?" was his reply, irritated.
"there are leaks down here, i need pots and pans to catch them!" i shouted. i was getting close to the wallpapered wall and ceiling and noticed it was bulging and looking thin. against my better judgement i poked at it and was shocked at how easily it gave way, the way my finger slid right in. i pulled it out and a gush of water flowed out. the hole i'd made weakened the rest of the wallpaper and more and more spots were wearing through, water pulsing out, all over, splashing on the cement floor, on my mom's LP collection, over my bare feet and the cushions me and my sweetheart had been sitting on. i started to panic a little and climbed up the stairs backwards a few steps, watching the basement flood, calling, "leon, leon hurry!"
suddenly the lights went out completely, both upstairs and down. leon was stomping through the hallway at the top of the stairs, swearing, "fucking lazy bitch. get your own fucking pans. i'm not your fucking gopher. FUCK." i started crying there, on the bare wooden stairs, in the dark, cold water swirling up around my ankles.
"leon, please!" i shouted, too afraid to move in the dark. i craned my head around to look up through the dark doorway and saw his silhouette standing there. he wasn't swearing anymore, but he was taking off his work jacket, and saying, "fine, but YOU better fucking be the one to bring it back up." he hurled the balled up jacket at me through the dark. i tried to cry out that it wasn't his coat i needed (though i did suddenly figure out i was naked), but pots and pans, to catch leaks. i tried to dodge the coat, and the movement sent me rolling off the stairs, head over heels, and into icy black water.
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