as a small girl i was given a sterling silver spoon, miniature, with my three names engraved on its stem. an apparently solemn and priceless keepsake, so tiny and delicate, no one would ever actually use it to feed a baby. i found this spoon recently, while shifting through a steamer trunk that stunk of mildew and yellowed papers and stiffening teen magazines, the only smells remaining from my childhood. i turned it over and over in my hands and rubbed my fingers along the names that aren't mine anymore, then i spun it 'round - the scoop pointed at my solar plexis - and dug in.

it wasn't hard because my entire being has softened somehow in the last ten years: flesh to wet sponge, bone to goo, tendon to sodden strings. so i shouldn't have been surprised to find that it was a simple matter of pushing directly through to a lazily beating heart muscle. and i moved that tiny spoon so delicately and dug a little hole no bigger than the size of a newly-conceived fetus fist only slightly to the side of my apathetic aorta.

i say "apathetic aorta" because anyone who's heart is a normal heart would probably have died if they tried this same thing on themselves: taking a small metal spoon from the early 70's, inserting it into their heart, and removing tiny scoopfuls of pulsing muscle flesh, to deposit at the bottom of their cardboard steamer trunk. but my heart didn't care and well, it was just another day, to that lazy lumpful of lethargic tissue.

i didn't do this just to get all my angst out, either (for that i would have tried trepanation). i did this unthinkable thing because i thought maybe if there were a hole there, gasping and sputtering, there'd be room for you to come along and put your finger in and stop up the emptiness so nothing could continue to pour out of me. i wanted to put those little pieces of soft moist flesh on a plate or pillow to present them to you, a gift from on most high, so you could see truly how much i am willing to fork - or spoon - over.

but you didn't return my call when i left messages, dear. you didn't check your email for a month. you didn't sneak past my bedroom window to peer in through the gauze and check to see if i was being well-used. you didn't wonder, you didn't ponder. you went vegetarian and heart-meat was off the menu.

so i'll just wander around, okay, with this stupid fucking useless spoon hanging out of my chest hole. it catches on everything and hurts sometimes. it's cool at parties to pull off my shirt and show it around, how it gently bobs up and down with each beat. it will know before i do when i'm dead. but mostly everyone just ignores the protruding baby spoon, at best giving it an uncomfortable, cursory glance. all they want to see is my new bra and big tits. which is fine, you know, because the filigree names on the stem haven't been mine since i was just under three, or so. it means nothing. really.

i had a bad dream last night. my family and i were camping. or at least, staying in this kind of run-down old cabin. it was a 20 minute walk from a gorgeous sandy beach. there were tons of people there all the time - a real party atmosphere. everyone was loaded and acting goofy and children were running rampant and i started to feel overwhelmed because i could not go anywhere without there being tons of drunken people around - even in our own cabin. finally i succumbed to the partying and started to get loaded, too. this cute boy i know was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, just swinging his legs back and forth, and asked me to come over to talk to him, so i did. he asked me if i was hot for him and i drunkenly said yes, i was, and i had been for a long time, and was he hot for me? and he said yes, he was, and then gently nudged the toe of his boot into the crotch of my jeans while we were staring into each other's eyes. i thought about how leon had said that if i ever felt i wanted to explore feelings for other people i should but still felt guilty even though it felt good. a bunch of other drunk people burst into the kitchen at that point and i backed away from the cute boy. another guy, a big old bearded biker guy, came up and threw his arm around me and breathed beer fumes on me and said, "hey, christa! hey! how's it goin, you hot slut?" and the cute boy shouted at the top of his lungs, "SHE IS A SLUT! she just came on to me! i stuck my boot up her crotch!" and everyone started laughing and laughing and leon looked over from where he was playing with liam and looked hurt and confused and i ran out of there so fucking fast and still couldn't escape the crowds because the beach was thronging with millions of people and it was like this weird sunny-with-dark-gray-storm-clouds twilight and the sea was roiling and uninviting and i could see children being sucked out by the undertow but no one was paying any mind. and i tried to run but the sand was too deep and i kept hearing my knee clicking and finally i woke up.

mother's day mania

all the mamas with your hair spun round worry and your fingertips rubbed raw from loving!
all the mamas with your feet bound up in pinchy heels as you grace the plate of brunch and
accept all those flowers and wet kisses!
all the mamas with empty arms and swollen hearts!
all the mamas with frazzle-dazzle capabilities,
pulling off dinner parties on two hours sleep and sugary blue and pink birthday parties
where the guests throw grape pop on your carpet and scream into your oblivion headaches!
all the mamas with sore backs from trying eight different slings and wraps
sore knees from bending the wrong way cooing into a vomiting child's ear
sore minds from letting go of all self-absorption except for this one day a year!
i love you because i am you!
put up your weary feet and hang up your sleepy caps and let it all wash over you
just for today.
everything hinges on you and you should be permitted to crack up now and then and when it happens,
shit, girl,
i'm coming with you.

i had this crazy awesome dream last night that leon and i purchased this amazing castle-like home. it had four or five stories, and every floor was like it's own home unto itself. we lay for a while in the "ancient greece" bedroom where there was a bed carved out of white marble and next to the bed was this amazing carving of a tiny garden filled with satyrs and nymphs and if you watched long enough they'd all animate and music would play and they would dance and drink from the fountains and have sex with each other. the room was full of sunlight and there were no ceilings so you could look up and up and see stairs winding around to the top of the house itself and so we decided to explore more of our house. we walked up to the next level and it was designed and decorated like a "gentleman's club". wood paneled walls and a fully stocked bar and big comfy red velvet chairs and stone lion statues and a fire burning. we poured ourselves highballs and leon sat back in one of the chairs and started to try and cajole me into playing chess with him. i said no, that i wanted to go look around some more and i went around a corner and found the bathroom. my stepdad was in there, dressed in a janitor's grey-green jumpsuit, scrubbing the huge shower/tub area. "what are you doing here?!" i shouted at him. he looked up all dejected and said, "you hired me to clean for you, christa." and i was horrified, not so much that i hired him to clean for us, but because he was in my house at all, so i grabbed the hose he was using to spray off the tile walls and told him to take a hike and i would clean it myself.

i'd like to blame every ache i ever had on you
every failing every turn of anguished fate
i'd like to make you own it! me!
hand-me-down and passed around and oh, this bird has flown.
and when your phone stops ringing and all those girls stop singing
would you have me alone?
choking on rubber bands and dipping nipples
in mealy apples and
lifting off the muppet monster mask.
i walked along cedar chip paths and everything was orange rust
the sky, the light, the tight curly haired-calves
the ground, my skin, the state i'm in, every thing burnt umber crust
and it was warm and all of us, we frolicked and the baby cows
followed us until the path did end.
and when i crossed the threshold it was as though orange world had wheels
receded so quickly from my walking abilities it may as well have flown
we turned and faced ice land (not the country)
vin diesel lived in a bungalow basement suite in the house with wrought iron gates
and we laughed at his classless behaviour, so fucking pompous for a millionaire.
then suddenly you, and everyone, all walked ahead
and my knee was crumbling under me
and i couldn't navigate the stairs so caked in ice they were
so i tried to climb the brick and iron
and icicles melted under my hands but fell and penetrated my feet
bleeding ruddy ragged raw bullet holes through the million fragile bones
but so cold i couldn't feel a thing.
and you just kept moving on, around a bend on cobbled streets
and everywhere was snowing, and everywhere everywhere
ice was freezing on my hands and arms
i couldn't move fast enough
i felt the rubber band in my wind pipe
fluttering and sucking and finally inhaled,
that was how i died in all my dreams

ballad of the reluctant stalker

i stood outside the store and knew i wanted more and
worried either way how it would look
either i'm alone in how far gone or you have come along or
maybe we're both crazy, by the book.

i saw your empty face or your overflowing gaze but
ducked behind the corner before you caught me
i breathed in kind of hard and wondered and walked far and
talked myself way down, out in the alley.

what would you have done and could we be alone and
i wonder every moment if i'll lose you
they say "lay it on the line" or "once in a lifetime" but
i need to know you feel the same way i do.

and every single word and all the vows or curses and
how many times a day do i cross your mind?
i know your eyes so well and i look for ways to tell and
i feel i'll always come up short and from behind.

so i stood outside the store and i knew i wanted more but
i couldn't bring myself to wave hello
instead i walked real fast and left my breath upon the glass and
willed my heart to lift, slow, and go.

one afternoon i dreamed i was crouched against a marble wall in a bright white room. i couldn't open my eyes completely because it was so bright. i could hear voices coming through air ducts or vents or long hollow hallways - two people talking. one had a distinctly female sounding voice but the other was so garbled and multi-hued i could not tell if it had a gender, or not. i got on my hands and knees and crawled along the icy marble floors towards the voices. at first what they were saying was indistinguishable. but as i grew closer i could hear more clearly what their words were.

"has she woken yet?"

"not yet."

"she should wake, if she keeps coming so near, we'll have to include her."

"there are other ways."

"i don't believe you. you are always laying around in your deceit. i will try to wake her. she is too small for this."

i kept crawling and crawling, my eyes squinted shut against the light but open enough to make sure i didn't bump into any pillars or walls. i could feel i was naked, the air was frigid. i needed to see these people who were talking. i had the distinct impression they were talking about me.

as i rounded a wide corner i the change in air flow/pressure and the dimming of the echoes told me i'd come upon an enormous chamber, which was where the two were talking and also was the source of the incredible white light. i couldn't summon words to ask, i could barely open my eyes against the brightness, but i looked across as well as i could to see who they were.

"she's not awake. she's here. see there?"

the woman sighed. i could hear her stand up and walk towards me but still could not open my eyes completely, the light was coming in too sharply. i was shivering. i could sense/feel that she was a giantess as she approached me. then her form seemed to tower over me and i was dwarfed in her shadow. i looked up to see the most terrible and beatific face. her body was naked, so enlarged and solid and round. her hips were impossibly wide. her breasts did not dangle at all but were enormous and full as if ready for nursing infants. she did not speak directly to me at first.

"i knew we waited too long. now she has seen."

"there's nothing for it."

she leaned over and looked sternly at me. "you aren't supposed to be in here," she said. i could not form a response to tell her i didn't know how i'd gotten there in the first place. "wake up!" she shouted at me, and while her voice was angry i could hear it was affected, not genuine. she was trying to frighten me, scold me, like a child. i felt like a child. and despite her pseudo-furious demeanor i wanted her to pick me up. to press me against her solid, rolling body. i ducked my head low, trying to show respect, and did not speak. the other voice boomed as he also rose and came close to me. "girl, insolent!" the being shouted. this voice was much more serious and terrible. i didn't want to anger either of them really, but i had to look at the other giant as i had her. i took advantage of being in their engulfing shadows, the light dulled enough to see, and glanced up at the creature quickly. it was part goat. the head and hindquarters of a huge goat with twisted horns spiraling high towards the vaulted ceilings. a torso at once both male and female, with strong hard abdomen but swelling breasts, and muscled arms with deep rich fur. in it's left hand was clutched a gnarled staff of dried ivy wood. it was blaring at me.

"no sanctuary here!" it roared, "no sanctuary!"

this voice terrified me so much, i prostrated myself at their feet. i still could not speak to them to ask why or who or where i was. i felt at once scared out of my wits and desirious of their attention and affection. suddenly, the goat creature banged it's staff against the floor and the sound of the wood contacting the marble was impossibly loud and echoed so deeply through my body i had to cover my ears and curl into a ball and yell, but my voice was drowned out by the noise, and then i woke up.

my family, including my mom, and my friends, were all in japan together. it was the end of our trip. we were lost in the airport and couldn't figure out which gate to go to or when to board because all the signs and announcements were in japanese. then my mom figured it out and that we should have boared like a half hour before, and that the plane was leaving. she totally ditched me and my kids (liam was only about 3, and laurel was an infant) to run on the plane while i was trying to decide if i should wait for leon to come out of the bathroom and my friends to come back from the food court. i spotted one of my friends, and was yelling at him to hurry so that we could all get on the plane, when suddenly the japanese authorities grabbed him and told him he was under arrest for possession of marijuana. they were dragging him away as he was yelling at me to tell his wife where he was and what was happening and i started trying to fight with the cops to let him go but they pushed me just as they were getting in an elevator with him and i fell, holding on to baby laurel. as i lay on the ground, stunned, a strange man came up to us and tossed a little black gadget with different coloured buttons on it and some flashing lights and i realized it was a bomb detonator/device thing. i panicked and threw it as hard as i could away from me, got up, carrying a kid in each arm, and started running for the doors outside. but before i could get out, a huge explosion erupted from the gate where my mom had just got on the plane. i was thrown out through the plate glass windows, just as three more huge explosions rocked the airport. glass and chunks of cement were raining down out of the sky on us. i found myself laying on a cold, rocky beach with sparse patches of snow all around. i was cut on my hands and face and bleeding but my kids were okay. i was terrified that more explosions were going to happen and we'd have nowhere to hide, so i got up and tried to find a good place to cower. there was a rickety wooden boardwalk running along the side of another building near the airport. it was about a foot and a half off the rocky, snowy ground, so i squeezed under there with both kids and lay there, waiting for whatever was going on to pass. i guess i was in shock. i saw lots of people wandering around on the beach, bleeding and crying. i started crying too, as the realization that my mom and my friends and husband were probably all dead now and i was alone with my kids in a foreign country with no idea of where to go for help.

then suddenly i saw leon! he was walking along the beach, totally unscathed, yelling my name. my tears turned from grief to relief and i scootched out from under the boardwalk, yelling for him, too. he saw us and dashed across the beach towards us and picked up both the kids and kissed me a million times. i was so relieved and happy and tearful and upset. leon said that it was no big deal, we'd get to the canadian embassy or consulate or something, and they'd take care of us. we just had to find out how to get there. we saw a public transit bus pull up to a stop near the beach and ran towards it, yelling. the bus driver let us on and before we could even ask where his bus was going, he started pulling away and going up this HUGE mountain road. leon said, "hey man, can you let us off, please? we don't want this bus after all." the driver totally ignored him and kept going up this enormous cold mountain. leon started yelling, "come on! don't take us to the top! this is NOT the way we need to go! we don't want to have to walk all the way back down with our two little kids in this weather!" still the bus driver ignored him. leon went apeshit and started swinging around on the bars and kicking at the windows while i attacked the driver, punching and kicking at him. then i realized he was a crazy japanese android with no emotions or even the capability to discuss anything with us. he took us to the top of the snowy mountain, opened the doors, and ejected us, totally impassionate about it. we all sat down in a snowbank, me still bleeding everywhere, and cried.

boy

boy, would you like to come on my couch?
yes, i bet you would.
and in 25 minutes we could sum up
everything in our lives that is good.

boy, would you like to speak into my hair?
yes, i bet you would.
and in a single afternoon we could smell every smell
every scent, every vapor the heart says we should.

boy, would like to drink wine in my parlour?
yes, i bet you would.
and in a lost weekend we could taste every tannin
in chocolate and berries and the tender flesh of wood.

boy, i'm lost and i don't think you can find me.
no, i guess you can't.
and in less than a week i can rebound and reverberate
every last word, sentiment, every thought you've lent.

i knew as i fell asleep last night listening to the sound of tires shrieking against pavement, and the inevitable, gut turning "WHOMP" and the blasting tinkle of bursting glass afterwards, and then the sirens and crying, that i would dream something strange. it's always strange when leon isn't beside me in bed while i drift off. and it was strange. in it, i was in a bar, and met philip seymour hoffman, and we fell in love. and i went to his house with him, after some drinks, and it was a little crappy mobile home in a vacant lot surrounded by gravel. and i fell across his messy, man-smelling bed and he worshipped me and i loved him intensely and with all my heart. then a gang of teenaged boys ran through the vacant lot, coming for us, to destroy and burn what we had built in the few drunken hours we'd known one another. philip handed me a sword and we fought and killed them all. severed heads and limbs. dragging bodies into the underbrush. hosing blood off our clotheshandsshoes. wondering how we would ever get away with it. and then the sick realization that i couldn't stay with my love. that i had to leave philip to go home to leon and my children. and he cried and touched my cheek and told me he'd never willingly let me go.

somehow, i ended up back at his home several days later, in the daylight, with his sister and friends. he was missing but nothing in his house was gone with him. everyone wanted to know who i was, if i had anything to do with the dead bodies of teenaged boys they'd found buried in the gravel, why i had been there at all, why i brought my big purple-y/brown bowling ball with me that day. it was because philip had told me we were going to go to the ten pin one day, together, when i was ready to be with him.