btvs dream

i was on patrol with buffy, who was also babysitting a 9 or 10 year old little girl. suddenly we were ambushed by werewolves, who snatched the little girl and dragged her off into the woods. buffy and i followed, kicked some werewolf ass, and took the girl home. buffy told me to stay there and watch her while she slept while she finished her nightwatch.

spike showed up at the front door sometime later. i invited him in and we started drinking wine. i said, "so, you wanna have sex?" and he said, "sure". we kissed passionately and he felt me up. i said, "wait here," very huskily, and i went upstairs to make sure the little girl was still asleep and to change into something "more comfortable", and he waited downstairs for me. we were going to do it on the couch. it was very very exciting for me. boy, was i disappointed when the little girl was sitting up in bed, wide awake. i said, "can't you sleep?" and she shook her head no. i sighed and said, "okay, then, come downstairs and i'll fix you a snack, maybe that will help you relax." she started down the stairs a little ahead of me. i was still carrying my wine glass and feeling a little drunk. suddenly she bent over, still on the staircase, and grabbed one of my ankles, and pulled my leg out from under me so that i started to tumble down the stairs. i yelled, "what the fuck?!" as my head contacted the staircase and wine splashed everywhere. at that same moment i heard spike in the livingroom, fighting with someone or something, and glass breaking. the little girl snarled and attacked me and i broke the wine glass against her head. she yelped and started to run away. i stood up and ran after her, and in the livingroom i saw spike fighting with a dark haired woman. "do you need help?" i asked, and he shook his head no and yelled, "go after the girl!" she had run out the front door. i dashed after her, and found her cowering under the bushes outside the house. i could hear that inside, spike had subdued the dark haired woman. i grabbed the girl by the arms and dragged her back inside. "what did you do that for? we are trying to help you," i said. in the living room, spike had tied the woman up and left her sitting on the couch. she looked supremely pissed off. "that is my daughter you are mishandling there," she said to me, "and you took her from me earlier tonight, too. i just want her back."

at that moment, as spike came to stand beside me and hold my hand, both the little girl and the woman turned into werewolves. i looked into spike's eyes as he said, "baby, we're screwed."

and then i woke up.

my strange life with you, cloistered and vapid, became a part of my identity.
i didn't notice til it was gone.
i didn't notice til it was gone.
vague anticipation; each moment it seemed something stranger would become real.
i felt so sad when it went away.
i felt so sad when it went away.
each day i slip into worn-out shoes and wander further from our connections.
i just can't stand the silence.
i just can't stand the silence.
like a child i believed things would never change, like cycles and seasons.
forever waxing, but never wane.
forever waxing, but never wane.
loss is something i've experienced before, but repetition doesn't make it easy.
the hole takes a while to fill.
the hole takes a while to fill.

fair maiden

both knees are bloody
my heart is rendered silent;
steal me from here, love.

left: indecision
right: wounded choices i have made;
steal me from here, love.

muscles pulled weeping
eyes swollen, tears overflow ears;
steal me from here, love.

what's saddest of all?
there is no hero for me;
i'm left to drift, love.

i was in someone's basement. it was filled with sealed cardboard boxes, scattered everywhere, no clear path through the jumble. other people were with me, carrying flashlights to light our way through the dark. we were looking for someone or something. there was a sense of urgency. i was talking to one of my companions, and i became aware of the fact she was a cop. we were talking about christianity in hushed tones.

"all cops are holy," she said.

"not all," i argued. "and what do you call an unholy cop?"

she shone the flashlight in my eyes and said, "a traitor."

something about being blinded by the light's glare, and the tone of her voice, and our setting, frightened me beyond measure. i tried to wake myself up. then i was awake, but completely unable to move, open my eyes, or make a sound.

suddenly, a roaring din crushed my ears. it sounded like thousands and thousands of women's voices, all screaming and crying at once, crashing and bruising against one another, shaking every last fibre of my soul. one of them grabbed my spirit, and started violently shaking it around in my body. "helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehel

pmehelpmehelpme!" she screamed. i saw blinding light and a white face with hollow eyes, the mouth contorted in pain. i still could not move or open my eyes or make a sound. i felt my breathing become torn and jagged in my chest. i started to panic. then the noise subsided. i relaxed for a moment, thinking i would be able to roll over, to open my eyes and see the calm darkness of my room again, to touch my sleeping man. but still my body would not move. everything was silent.

then she grabbed me again and started shaking my spirit. the din rose up in a terrible chorus, like a ravaging ocean of horror. i felt my soul being knocked around inside my body. her voice was even more urgent, and again, her deathmask flashed in and out of my vision, and she cried again, "helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpme!" this time it didn't stop of it's own accord. i tried to move, to call out for leon to stop this awful experience, but i could only succeed in making short, violent bursts of air jerk from between my lips. her screaming, the shaking, the blinding visions and the sense of terror all made me feel as though i was going to be pulled from my body and flung into the tide of whatever horror she was drowning in. "HELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPME!"

leons hand stroked my back, and silence fell around me.

i opened my eyes slowly, and rolled onto my back.

"what did you dream about?" he asked me, "you were breathing very fast, and you made a small moaning sound."

"they came back," i said, sadly. "they came back and wouldn't let me leave them."

lupercalia

lupercus called on the goat
he rose from a fire of blood and skin
"laugh, boys," they cried,
wiping alabaster clean,
"and choose the name of the girl!"
faunus hung back from the feast
he rose from the soil of lust and birth
"open yourselves, girls," they cried,
gently prodding thighs,
"and from maiden to mother you'll go!"
claudius raged from his throne
he rose on a mantle of char and war
"avoid the union, citizens," he cried,
suiting them in armour,
"for battle is no place for the lovesick!"
valentine sneaked from the heather
he rose on the love and chastity of christ
"pure is matrimony, children," he cried,
marrying them all in shadow,
"your heart will be hardy with family!"
but claudius struck valentine down
and his heart pumped blood on the flowers
lupercus and faunus trembled in fear
watching their time so fade
but love never stopped beating it's goatskin drum
love never stopped drawing a crowd
the lotto has ended, the names are all picked
and scattered over this valentine's shroud.

bio-dad

we were visiting leon's parents. it was the day before we had to go home, to make sure liam got back to school on time. leon dropped a bomb on me by telling me that he was going to stay on an extra two weeks while i took the kids home alone. it is a long drive, and two weeks is a long time to parent alone. i was furious. i demanded that he come back with us. he refused. i became certain that he was intending to cheat on me with a girl from the town. i tried to keep my calm while we talked but my inlaws were obviously on his side and treated me as though i were being completely unreasonable. in a fury, i stormed out of the house and began walking through the quiet streets of the small town, muttering to myself.

it was twilight, the sky was light blue and pink. as i walked, i slowly became aware of other people walking quietly along the streets with me. they were all dressed in strange suits and costumes; most of them had a santa-theme or easter bunny-theme, or sometimes a combination of the two. i asked a young man in a pink santa suit what was going on, and he told me it was the night of an annual festival, a sort of combination of pagan holidays, where you knocked on neighbour's doors and if your costume pleased them, they would give you gifts.

"but not candy," he said. "real gifts."

i was amazed. i asked how i could get a costume, too, and he pulled a pair of plush bunny ears from his bag and gave them to me. "these will have to do, though i doubt you'll get much from anyone."

i picked the first house i came to after donning the ears. it was an old brownstone with a big front porch. the front door was mostly bleary coloured glass, and i could see lights on inside. i knocked.

my biological father, looking not a day older than he was when he left us, answered the door. i was shocked, disbelieving. i didn't know what to say; but i could see he recognized me, too. "hello there," he said quietly.

"hello," i replied.

he handed me a yellow bag, made of filmy plastic. i opened it up and slipped a book out of it. it was a thick, worn out paperback, with a creamy white cover, decorated with beautiful line drawings of naked women. i opened the book up as he watched me. pages were falling out in clumps, but i became aware of the fact that this was a very valuable old book, one that had been out of print for decades. i flipped through the tattered pages, carefully, reading the words, and coming to understand that this book was a secret teaching of women's rites and powers. stunned by his awesome generosity, i looked up at him again.

"thank you," i said.

"you're welcome," he replied, and the tone of his voice implied that he had been waiting my whole life to give this to me. to see me again. how he had known i would appear on his door this night, i had no idea.

i nodded and turned and walked off the porch as he shut the door behind me. i stuffed the book back into it's bag, stuffed the bag inside my jacket, on my heart-side, and walked further up the street as the sky darkened further. my head was racing. i couldn't decide what to do next. the plush bunny ears were sliding off my head; an ill-fit. i stopped at the top of a low, sloping hill, lit a cigarette, and watched as the rest of the silent, surreal trick-or-treaters moved from house to house, knocking on doors and giving whispered thanks to their neighbours. i wondered if they were recieving gifts like mine from people they had questions about, their whole lives.

i realized it had gotten quite late and that i needed to get back to my inlaws, so i turned around and walked back from where i had come. i passed my biological father's house, hunched over, cigarette dangling from my lips, and he glanced up just as i walked by. i could see him sitting in a dimly lit room, at an empty dining room table. we looked at each other as i walked past, but made no motions. i turned my head, and went on.

brown eyed man

he come steppin, shady-foot and sharp
optic nerve hangin from an angle off the stars
he come walkin, feather-finger and sneak
past all the frontline "D" fences i can strewed 'round my bare racks
so he come lookin, all flightless and debeaked
check me out when i go bloody-foot down
he come seein across vista and view
he got a good eyeball though i didn't flick open all the lights
he think he gots something, a jewel or a rock
it could fit in my mouth if i wasn't full of cotton bats
he think he gots a joy gem he can shove all down in me
but olafactory and taste, i don't let nothin fill me when i'm full
tell him he gotta get lost. just tell him he gotta go
his choco-macular orb and empty thoughts
make a dark world slow.

this is a bad one, could be triggering to ppl with histories of sexual abuse, don't read it.

this dream left me feeling sick and disgusted and shaking. don't read it if you have a weak stomach or are super sensitive, okay? i just had to get it out of me.

i was on a day cruise around the gulf islands with another mama and her baby girl (i don't know them in real life). we were having so much fun. the sky was blue, the water green, the sun, so warm it felt as though it was penetrating my flesh it heat my bones. our babies were about the same age; maybe her girl was two? they had fun playing on the boat and their little life jackets made them glimmer like beacons signalling to outerspace.

once the cruise was over, we got into the van we had driven there and i was going to drop my friend and her baby back home. she invited me to stay for dinner. she said she felt nervous about going home to her husband and two older boys. i didn't ask her why, but i soon found out.

the husband was terrible. a true tyrant. from the moment we walked in the door he was yelling at her and berating her. her two older boys weren't much better; they were maybe 8 and 10 years old, or so, and had obviously learned how to treat their mother from watching their father's behaviour. she was immediately set to work in the kitchen, chopping, frying, boiling, baking. i stayed with her to help; my baby girl was asleep in her carrier on the kitchen table, and her baby girl had wandered off into the livingroom where the father was watching television.

we cooked for a while, and chatted quietly, and i was asking her if she was happy in her marriage. she said, no, that she wasn't really, but that she saw no other safe course of passage through life. "i have no marketable skills, i only know how to manage a family, i haven't worked since i had a part time job in highschool." i nodded in understanding and stirred the food in the pot. the two boys had gone outside and we could see them through the kitchen window, rough housing on the lawn.

she excused herself to freshen up in the bathroom while the food cooked. i stirred and hummed and looked at my little girl sleeping, when suddenly i heard strange noises coming from the living room. grunts and moans and tiny muffled cries. with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, i slowly approached the saloon-style swinging doors that separated the kitchen from the living room and peeked in.

what i saw made my entire body clench up in revulsion and rage.

the father was molesting the two year old baby girl. he was penetrating her and groaning and he had his huge awful hand pressed over her face so that the sounds she was making were quiet. she was crying, tears spilling over her cheeks, but her eyes were glazed over.

"STOP THAT!" i shrieked.

he looked over at me but didn't stop what he was doing. he grinned at me. "fuck off," he said.

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" i screamed. i blasted through the doors, my stomach in knots, puke rising in my gullet. the baby was limp on the sofa. he withdrew from her and stood up to his full height to confront me.

"who are you?" he smirked, "and what the FUCK do you think you're going to do about this? huh?" he was mocking me.

"i am going to kill you," i said, my voice suddenly calm.

on the end table, next to the sofa where the tiny girl was laying silently, was a large, heavy ceramic dog. i picked it up, an ugly thing, and shattered it against the wall. a hefty sharp chunk remained in my hand. with my other hand, i grabbed the disgusting man by his hair and began dragging him down a hallway to a bedroom. he was yelping in pain but he seemed weak, he couldn't fight me off. i threw him into the master bedroom, and leapt on him, smashing the jagged chunk of ceramic into his face, gouging out his eyes, crushing his skull beneath the power of my blows. blood, hair, flesh flew all around me, hit me in the face, soaked my clothes, and he struggled and burbled beneath me but could not fend me off. i smashed him and pulverized him and did not stop bludgeoning him until he lay silent beneath me.

i killed him.

the bed was soaked with gore. i could hear one of the baby's crying in the other rooms. it suddenly hit me, what i had just done. when i climbed off the bed, completely repulsed by my own actions, i turned to face the doorway. the other mama, and her two boys, were standing there, watching me.

"oh my god," i said. "oh my god. i....i'm sorry."

the mama didn't say anything. but the two boys both shrieked in rage and grief and flew at me. the mama just watched, silently. i threw the boys off of me and they collapsed in a heap in the corner, sobbing. i walked to the mama.

"mama," i said, "mama. i saw him. i saw what he does to your baby girl. i...i had to stop him him."

she nodded mutely, but her face was white and i wasn't sure she was following me.

"i didn't want to kill him. but i had to," i said.

she nodded again.

"what should i do?" i asked.

"i will help you," she said, finally. "he was a monster. i am glad he's dead." she walked into the ensuite bathroom and i heard her ripping down the shower curtain. she came out and handed it to me. "pull," she said, and we pulled, and the plastic curtain ripped down the middle. "the boys won't let this go," she said, "we have to kill them too."

in horror i watched her approach the oldest boy with the clear plastic curtain wrapped around her hands and stretched taut. he was crying and moaning and pushing himself against the wall, away from her. "mama, no," the boys said, in terror, "mama, no."

"i'm sorry," she said, and tears were pouring out of her eyes. she gently placed the clear plastic over the oldest boy's head, wrapped it tight around his neck, and then held him down. "come on," she said to me, urgently, tears still streaming out of her eyes, "you have to help. they'll never let you get away with my husband's death. we have to do this."

"i...i can't."

"you can. and you will. now HELP ME. i have a plan."

the younger boy was paralyzed by his fear. he watched in horror as his older brother struggled under the plastic, as his mother kneeled on him and wept, as the plastic was sucked into his gaping black mouth whole. as he cried beneath it, and made condensation. i approached him slowly, feeling as though i was going to vomit from fear and confusion. "please don't," he said, sobbing, "please. i won't tell. please stop it. please. my mama's crazy. don't listen to her."

but i did it.

it took a long time.

and i threw up on the carpet.

the mama looked annoyed with me. "you'll have to clean that up real well," she said. "or they'll catch you."

"i...i...i...can't believe we did that."

"shush up," she said, angrily. "there's one more thing you have to do, to make this right."

she walked out of the bedroom, leaving me alone with the three bodies. it was so silent and terrifying. the windows of the room were high up, almost near the ceiling, and the light of day was fading into a pale blue that cast the room in deep grey shadows. the bodies were still. the bed was soaked in blood. the piece of ceramic i'd used to smash the father's head in lay on the white carpet, gory with hair and blood and skin. i started to cry.

the mama returned, with a large kitchen knife in her hand.

"now you have to cut my throat," she said, matter-of-factly. "i won't die, but it will make it look more convincing, okay? you cut my throat, then you get your baby, and you leave. i will call 911 and tell them some gangsters broke into our house and attacked us. i already buried the money and jewlery in the back so it will look like a robbery. but you have to do this. i can't cut my own throat."

"oh my god, no," i said, sobbing. "i can't."

"you HAVE to. if you don't, you'll get caught and go to jail for murdering two people. do it." she shoved the knife at me. "DO IT."

she climbed up on the bed next to her dead husband. her hand strayed into a deep pool of his blood and she convulsed away from him, but lay down with her head next to the mess that used to me his face. "go on," she said. "it's okay. you'll be too scared to cut too deep. i'm not worried. just do it."

crying and shaking, i moved in towards her. i made a weak-handed slash at her throat but didn't stroke hard enough to break the skin.

"DO IT," she yelled at me, "are you fucking stupid? just DO IT. i told you everything would be okay if you just did what i said. now just FUCKING DO IT!"

i screamed and closed my eyes and thrust forward with the knife, slashing downwards as hard as my rubbery muscles would allow. i opened my eyes immediately and she was looking back at me. for a moment she looked shocked. i watched as red blood welled quickly up to the surface of her skin and began pouring out onto her shirt. "good," she burbled, "good. now get your things and RUN. i am going to call 911 and you have to be gone."

i dropped the knife and bolted out of the bedroom. in the livingroom, the baby girl had fallen asleep on the couch, blissful. my own baby girl was still sound asleep in the kitchen, where the only noises were the pot of boiling soup burbling away and the drip of the leaking faucet. i tried to gather up my things, tried to dash out of the house, but i saw suddenly how bloody i was. my shirt, my hands, my shoes. tracking blood everywhere.

i dashed back into the bedroom to tell my friend to not call 911, because i had to do a quick clean up first. she hadn't even made it to the phone. her body was slumped over that of her husband's, and her eyes were open and glazed over, staring into the unknowable. my knife slash had killed her, after all.

panic rose in my gullet. the proof of my killing spree was everywhere in their house. there was no getting away. there was nothing i could do.

i picked up the knife and chunk of porceline, took them to the kitchen, and washed them in hot sudsy water.

then i waited at the kitchen table for the babies to wake up. the soup boiled. outside, it started to rain. my girl woke up first. i kissed her and cuddled her and left bloody fingerprints on her yellow jumper. the second baby woke up immediately afterwards and wandered into the kitchen saying, "mumma? mumma?" i kissed her too. i put them in their chairs. then i called the police, and woke up sobbing.

islands

when we arrived on the island and climbed off the small speed boat, the heat and oppressive humidity told me we were in the tropics. leon held my arm for me as i tottered uneasily onto the rocks of the beach. the five people we were with were more sure-footed, having lived there for some months prior to our arrival. the two girls were clad only in bikini tops and short shorts; the young men in longer shorts and tank tops with thick cords of hemp and beads around their tanned necks. everyone was so young and beautiful and ready for adventure. i knew i was out of place.

it was a short hike to the main buildings, though a thick stand of jungle trees and vines, and wet rocks covered in a lush moss i'd never seen before. we set about the business of having fun immediately. we had brought no bags, no supplies. everything was to be provided by the "resort". reggae music filled the common room, almost as completely as the ganja smoke and beer vapour. leon and i relaxed together on a pile of huge colourful pillows, made out, and felt at peace. it was a wonderful beginning. the building we were in was completely round, windows on all sides, and out the left side we could see the moon rise, full and glorious. we had huge fun hiking and swimming plans for the next day and we started to nod off slightly in one another's arms.

suddenly the two girls sprang into action in front of us. they grabbed leon by the hands and pulled him into a standing position. "we heard you know how to make absinthe!" they cried. "come on! show us!" he was tugged into the kitchen. i remained on the pillows, feeling stoned and sluggish. the boys were laughing amongst themselves and one of them came over to where i lay, nearly comatose. "hey, lynn," he whispered, "we are going to go down to the beach for a little moonlight swim. you wanna come?" i nodded and allowed them to pull me up to a standing position. "the hike there is kinda long and there's a chasm we have to cross, but there's a bridge. look alive!" he smiled. i shook my head and allowed them to lead me out of the building.

the night was close and damp and hot feeling. they led me along a very thin, clausterphobic path that was nearly overrun with vines and thick with old mossy trees. they had brought no light with them so it was like being nearly blind. i kept looking up at the sky to keep track of where the moon was. she blinked in an out of sight behind the tree line, beckoning me. the boys ahead of me kept calling back, and one trudged back through the dark and appeared in front of me like a magician's trick, and took my hand. "it's okay, it's not much farther," he said, gently. his hand was damp and warm. he led me on through the trees, until finally we reached the chasm they had spoken about. it was narrow, maybe only five or six feet across, but deep. so deep and dark it was impossible to see to the bottom. vines and moss trickled down it's jagged edges and vanished into blackness. i tried to not think about what lurked beneath what the pale moonlight revealed within it's crevice.

"here's the bridge," the boy said. "you go first. i'll stay behind you."

i looked at "the bridge", which was little more than two grey and fraying ropes as hand-holds, and some thin, rotten-looking planks of wood stretched across two other, lower, more frayed-looking ropes. "i don't like rope bridges," i muttered. "it's okay," he assured me, "it's completely safe." i took a deep breath and took a step out onto it, gripping the hand-ropes with hands so shakey and sweaty i was sure i'd lose my grip and be swallowed up by the dark maw of the chasm. the bridge swayed and undulated under me in a nauseating fashion. the boy behind me was saying soothing things, seeing that my fear of falling was overwhelming me, but it didn't matter. my heart was pounding and it felt like the night was closing in on me. i fell to my knees and the bridge swayed and rocked and i let my hands fall to the boards on the floor and started crawling, very slowly, across. the boys on the other side were laughing at me, but i didn't care. all i cared about was getting to the other side alive.

finally i scrambled onto the other side of the chasm, tiny rocks and clumps of moss uprooting themselves from under my feet and tumbling down into the abyss. the other boy deftly crossed the bridge, light, like an elf, and helped me to a standing position. "it's just beyond this ridge," he said, smiling kindly. "come on!"

we climbed up and over a rocky outcropping and suddenly the rainforest gave way to the most stunning view of the ocean. the moon glowed like a hard, white opal and cast one rich beam of rippled light over the waves. i could see across the water to the other shore, where lights from tiny houses glittered and headlights from passing cars streaked across the hillside.

the boys whooped in delight, and immediately ran down the rocky shore and plunged themselves into the water, hollaring and splashing each other. i felt tentative and strange and uncomfortable, and took tender steps down the stoney slope towards the water. i wasn't wearing a suit, and in fact had only the clothes on my back to wear the entire trip, and i wasn't sure about the water. it looked inviting but the waves were bigger than i expected and my mind sent out warnings, irving-style, about the "under toad". i slipped my sandals off and dipped my toes in the salt water. it was warm and felt as though it was kissing me. the boys called out to me, "lynn! come in! it's amazing!" i took a deep breath, stripped down to my underwear, and slid into the water. the waves forced me towards the shore, but they were warm and soothing. i took a few strokes out towards the young men who were busy dunking one another and sputtering and playing like children. i lay on my back, looked up at the whirling heavens, and for the first time, wondered how i'd gotten there. the moon shimmered above me and i felt as though my mother was watching over me, protecting me. i think i slept a little, as i drifted.

a cracking sound, a flash of brilliant light, and a shooting pain from my head shocked me from my reverie. i opened my eyes, bewildered to discover that dawn had crept upon us. the sky was light blue and pink and cool. i sputtered into a treading water position and touched my head at the place where i felt the pain. blood was trickling down my forehead. i had been thrust against a jagged rock on the shoreline and my scalp had split open. i looked around, panicking, for the boys that had brought me there, and they were up on the shore, dozing against one another in a huge, tanned and muscular heap. my head throbbed as i climbed out of the water. blood obscured my vision. "help," i said, weakly. "i hit my head."

one of them woke up and said, "oh shit,". he took off his shirt and gave it to me to press against my wound. "guys," he said, loudly, nudging the two others with is foot, "guys, wake up. lynn is hurt. we gotta go back."

they murmmered and woke up, rubbing their bleary eyes and looking at me as though i had pissed in the punchbowl at their party. "i'm sorry," i said. "i fell asleep floating out there. the waves. a rock."

"yeah, it's okay," the boy who had given me his shirt said, "it looks worse than it is, i'm sure. we have a first aid kit back at home."

the jungle was cool and wet with dew as we pushed our way back through the overgrown path and over the rocky ridge. i crawled across the rope bridge on my hands and knees again, but no one laughed at me this time. as we approached the roundhouse, we could see that it was dim and quiet within. my heart filled with dread. the shirt i had been holding to my head wound was already soaked in blood, useless and gory. i began to feel lightheaded and unsure of my steps. i didn't want to go in the building, but the boys beckoned me in hushed tones. i had no choice.

they led me into the roundhouse where it was quiet and dim. the morning light barely penetrated the trees that surrounded the building. it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness within. the air smelled of old smoke and liquor and i could hear the muted sounds of snoring and deep sleep breathing. one of the boys disappeared into the kitchen area to look for the first aid kit. i looked around the room for leon, and found him. asleep on the huge colourful pillows, like an infant, naked, and twined around the two beautiful naked young woman. none of them stirred. we had been quiet enough in our entrance that we didn't disturb them.

my stomach rose up into my throat. blood dripped down from my cut and left hot streaks on my cheeks that i mistook for tears. i swallowed hard and twisted the blood-soaked shirt in my hands, wringing it, until big fat drops of the red liquid squirted out onto the wooden floor. one of the boys saw my distress and said, "lynn. it's okay. this is a different world. this doesn't mean anything. you are both here to have fun."

i glared at him through a veil of red. the sound of his voice woke leon and the girls. leon sat up and rubbed his eyes. he saw me standing a few feet away, covered in blood. "oh shit," he said, leaping to his feet, and looking guiltily at the naked women still lying on the pillows. "oh shit, lynn. oh shit. your head. and i...uh..."

he turned and looked around the room for his pants, found them, and scrambled to get them on. "are you okay, honey?" he asked me, approaching me slowly. "what happened? where were you all night? i...i drank too much..."

"fuck you," i said, rage seeping into my voice.

"i know," he said, "i know. i just..." he walked slowly towards me, his hand outstretched, but i backed away, baring my teeth at him. "please," he said. "please don't..."

the one boy came out of the kitchen with the first aid kit, appraised the situation, and said, "lynn. don't be angry. there are different rules here than what you are used to. it's okay. it could have easily been you..."

"fuck off!" i shouted, whipping my head around at him. "there are no rules but the rules that leon and i agreed to in the beginning!"

"lynn," leon said, getting nearer. i took the opportunity to whip the sopping blood-soaked t-shirt at him. he dodged and it slapped wetly against the wooden floor, leaving a spattery trail of red drops in it's wake. "please," he said, sadly, "please listen..."

he got close enough to touch. i grabbed a hunk of his hair and yanked. i swear i could smell the odious funk of the other women on him. he yelped in pain and his eyes filled with anger. "fuck you, lynn!" he shouted at me, "we need to talk! you can't hurt me like that!"

i pulled harder and used my free hand to slap his face. "no, fuck YOU, leon," i spat, "you're a useless piece of shit. you've ruined my life." i gave his hair one last hard tug, spun on my heel, and walked out of the building.

at first i didn't know which way to go. i decided to head back to the beach we'd come from. the ocean would know what i should do.

the walk through the jungle seemed less scary than when i had been travelling with the others. the bridge didn't sway, the chasm, in the daylight, was only a few feet deep, and a small, singing stream gurgled in a friendly way beneath my feet as i crossed. the ridge wasn't as rocky as i climbed higher and higher. when i reached the top, however, i was stunned at how different the sea appeared to me from the night before.

it was grey and violent, swirling and foaming and crashing against the shore. it looked more like the ocean of the pacific northwest than the warm tropical salt bath it should have been. i approached the edge of the shore and put a toe in, and recoiled. it was cold. the waves slapped against the rocks and tried to suck me in. i began to slowly walk out into them. they overtook me. i was sucked under. everything became grey and black.

when i woke up, i was lying on a different beach. my head ached. my body shivered. my heart had fallen in on itself. i lay for a moment looking up at the grey sky, feeling miserable. i was far away from the tropical paradise i had thought i would find joy in. i wiped leon from my mind, sat up, and decided to climb up the steep craggy wall of rock that was at my back. i could see the island i had come from in the distance. there was no one on that shore, looking for me, calling to me. it was desolate and foreign.

the climb up was difficult. shards of black slate rock slipped from under my bleeding fingers and scrambling feet. my head wound began to bleed again, obscuring my vision. i felt as though i had been climbing for hours. finally i reached the top. a quick scramble through a shrubby and scratchy screen of trees, and i was on a paved road. i began walking along it. no cars passed. birds circled overhead; black birds, crying at me, perching in the spindly trees, watching my progress. finally i came to what was the edge of a small town. i knew where i was going though i'd never been there before. i climbed through hilly suburban streets until i reached a small white house with many windows and a tidy front porch covered in a brilliantly coloured potted flowers and plants. i knew the house was empty, and would be until summer came again. i tried the door, and it opened easily beneath my hand.

the inside of the house was simple and decorated plainly in whites and blues. a single bed was tucked into a corner. a t.v. sat mute opposite it. it was immaculate inside, and i felt hideous and filthy and out of place. i found the tiny bathroom and stepped into the shower. i washed the grime and salt water and blood off of my body. the silence of the tiny house was overwhelming. i began to talk to myself. i began to clean each inch of the home, even though it was already spotless. i carried around a small spray bottle of window cleaner. i wiped each inch of glass with a soft, clean cloth. i wiped down the mirror. i scrubbed at every inch of table top and counter. i talked to myself the whole time. "this spot is already clean." but you must clean it again, i replied. "you just cleaned this mirror an hour ago." the dust is collecting as we speak, i responded. my voice sounded robotic. unnatural.

i spent months in the house. wiping. spraying. looking at my headwound in my reflections. i never slept. the bed remained untouched and made perfectly, the blankets pulled taut. i had visions of the young woman that lived there in the summer months. her name was annika. she would never know i was there; i would leave before she returned. her place would be shining and white. the flowers forever blooming. i cleaned and cleaned. i lifted bric-a-brac and wiped non-existant dust away. i never thought once about the island, my adulterous husband, or the beautiful young men and women there; not once. i was insane. i was my only companion. my skin became worn out and smooth from the constant use of glass cleaner and soft cloths. when i looked in the mirror, i saw a shining alabaster statue looking back. my hair grow long. i cleaned and watched myself. the front windows of the house had a perfect view across the channel, the island i had come from hulking there in the distance. it never called me back. i never felt heartache.

i waited out the winter. i shone like the house shone. i was alone, healed, and perfect.

there came a day when an old friend knocked on the door. a day just before spring arrived. he knocked on the door and the sound was so foreign to me i almost didn't recognize it. when i finally realized what was happening, i opened the door and there he stood, looking sad and somehow not surprised by my gleaming appearance.

"you need to come back now," he said.

i nodded.

i put away the spray bottle and the glass cleaner, under the bathroom sink, exactly where i'd found them. annika would never know i had lived there. i never slept on her bed once. i only polished her glass. i only looked through her mirrors. i never touched her television.

my friend led me back down the craggy cliffside to the beach where i had washed up. "we can swim this now, safely," he said. but i knew there was still under tow. i heisitated. "the channel is clear. you need to go back and talk to leon now," he insisted, pulling at my hand, urging me forward. i followed him into the water, and we swam. we swam hard against the current. the undertow yanked at me, tried to suck me under. i felt the overwhelming desire to give in, but my friend kept calling to me. he was a few strokes ahead of me but he paused and tread water, waiting for me to catch up. finally we made it to the other side. the rock where i had bashed my head was clean and showed no trace of my blood. we shimmied up the ridge, trudged through the jungle, and crossed the rope bridge, which had been repaired by someone over the months i was absent.

the roundhouse stood among the trees, illuminated from within by the light of a million candles. music and smoke drifted out. the laughter inside was deafening. everything seemed too loud, too dirty. my friend led me within. my eyes scoured the young tan faces of the inhabitants for leon, and i found him, sitting at a long, low wooden table, drinking from a large mug, alone.

his eyes found mine. he stood up suddenly, and the table kicked forward, and the mug fell and spilled it's contents all over the floor. "lynn," he said, not noticing the overturned table and mess he'd created. i clenched inside.

"lynn," he said, "you came back."

"i'm not the same," i said to him, blandly.

he blinked at me. he saw my polished white skin. he saw my gleaming glassy eyes. he saw how my fingerprints had been rubbed away by cleaning fluids. he saw how empty my brain had become, scrubbed clear of everything in the winter months of living in annika's house. his eyes filled with water.

"no," he said. "you're right. nothing is the same."

he walked away from me, then, back to where he had been sitting, righted the table, and wiped up the mess of beer he'd created. i looked out the window at the jungle trees. their vines reached out to the little roundhouse and wrapped us up into green darkness, like tentacles, blocking the light from the sun.

nobody noticed but me.

Queen Wendy

When she told me she had red sheets, I mistook her glassy pointed
Gaze as something aimed beyond me; “And furthermore,” she said, “I’ve never
Gone in for fat girls before.”
Also she gripped wee Allison with hands and long fingers so thin and ever-
Reaching that it seemed to me they’d never leave the dance floor while
Tom Waits was being played.
When she told me that the hole in my Guess Jeans t-shirt allowed her eyes
Easy access to my assets I was pretty sure she was being mean, in a superior
Kind of way.
The afternoon I arrived there with waftings of roasted bean scents pushing themselves
Through my nostrils, she was sitting there alone at a table for the
First time ever.
Her foot knocked a wrought iron chair away from the table’s edge in a truncated
Message of offering me her company while making sure I understood that
It was all a big favor.
I placed myself in the seat beside her and somehow she managed to scrutinize me
Without once ever casting her gaze on me, and furthermore she offered to
Buy me a lager.
When the beer came she laid her fingers to the side of the glass and pushed the beads
Of condensation to the table; and there on the plastic table cloth she drew lines and
Swirls as I watched.
I didn’t know what to say to her except that perhaps she was the most beautiful
Creature I’d ever laid my eyes upon and that her mouth had been on my breasts
Countless times, sleeping.
So I measured myself against my past lovers but there was no way for me to compare
Their useless proddings and pokings and scratching faces against my tender white flesh
To her gentle breath.
As I imagined this she took the lager in her hands and in a moment that shocked me
She swallowed it all, a great huge sour glass of lager, and it ran out of her mouth in thin lines
Because she didn’t like beer.
“That was for you, and you didn’t take it,” she said when the glass touched down,
“I can’t waste what I give, and I can’t waste the time, to beg you to drink it;
That is a metaphor.”
Well, I pushed my hand through my hair and wondered stupidly how the café had
Emptied itself when by all rights it was just like any other day here, with the rain
Smattering outside.
And I wished sadly I had drank the lager she had ordered before her urgent need
To waste not want not had forced her to drink something she regarded poisonous
And possibly fatal.
I watched as her face went white and tinged green around her lips and under her eyes
She was regarding me with the same urgency she had downed the amber liquid, and said,
“Get out of here.”
I stood immediately as I knew the audience with the Café’s queen had come to an end
And I’d arrived a slack-jawed impertinent with the brains of a cow-monkey and
Intuiting nothing.
Leaving empty-handed while she sat there in the corner with her heart so obviously breaking
She was tired of making the move and her thrones, all of them around her, empty
Her t-shirt clung.
When I swung outside with the cold metal of the door handle imprinting my palm with
Waffle marks I heard the iron legs of her chair squeak against the floor and her steps
Were heavy and quick.
She pushed me out the door and the street was dark and drizzly and her hand pressed
Into my hand and she guided me roughly past the front window of the café and pushed me
Hard around the corner.
“Have the lager or don’t have the lager,” she grunted into my upturned face; her height
Was what made her regal; the fragility of her slender body beneath her inappropriate clothes
Made me weak.
“But don’t prance here, not here,” she shook, her long hands pinning my arms against brick.
“You are playing here in a place that isn’t about frivolity and I resent you using me like this.”
Her chapped lips burned.
Again I could hear “Heart Attack and Vine” cue up inside the café and my back cried out against
The friction of the wall and guilt filled me so sour and intense that I looked at her, misty,
And shed tears.
My head cracked against the brick as her face met mine in an embrace so explosive the rain
Was deflected, momentarily; I felt my lips split open, between her teeth and my teeth, silky
Sandwich filling.
Her breath reeked of the beer she had consumed and I knew I smelled of cigarette smoke but
Still we kissed and the aura of heat that shimmered off our bodies in the smoky black air filled the alley
Like $8 perfume.
She grasped my breast and I could not find the strength in me to lift my hands and reciprocate
And besides this was my first real girl kiss and the lips I’d felt at first as pain became something
Achingly beautiful.
“I’m Wendy,” she said into my mouth, “I’m Wendy. I’m Wendy. I’m Wendy.” And kissing and
Kissing and rain bouncing crystal against the pale skin of her nose and cheeks, refracting her lashes
“I have red sheets.”