last night i dreamt that my old pal and former roomate, chris d., was sitting on a couch with me, watching t.v.

we were eating snacks and conversing with the t.v on in the background. it'd been a couple of years since we'd spoken and so it was a lot of catching up. he was telling me he'd just moved back to vancouver after being in victoria for six years. he and his partner had broken up and he was trying to start over. then we were reminiscing about when we were roomates in north burnaby and how that all went down. what a dramatic time in our lives, he said. i nodded knowingly. we should hang out again some more some time, he said. i replied sure! he said, we should have like, a naughty night togehter. i froze with a chip in my hand halfway between the bowl and my mouth.

"a...a 'naughty night'?"

"yeah...you know. where we're naughty."

i put the chip on my tongue and chewed thoughtfully. "what do you mean? like, go out and vandalize stuff? or..."

"no no. nothing illegal. more like, you put on some lingerie, i wear my boxers. and we bake erotic cupcakes and read, like, erica jong out loud to each other."

i couldn't believe my ears. i nearly choked on my chip trying to hold back my laughter - more from shock than disgust. i mean, i'd always dug chris and thought he was hot and funny and sexy (and once he'd even gone in for a kiss and i didn't exactly resist, but it ended there) but it'd seriously been YEARS since we'd seen one another and already he was asking me to get sexy with him? so i was trying to not snort and i said sort of wryly, "yeah, and we could, like, watch porn together."

"YEAH!" he said, as if the idea hadn't crossed his mind. "WE COULD!"

we ate more chips and watched more 'price is right' for a while in silence.

then i said, "if we could find porn that i actually enjoy, that is."

"hm," he said. "it's difficult to find stuff that you can enjoy is it?"

"i'm sort of picky," i said.

"have you found anything at all you like before?"

"oh sure. there's one actress i really like. i think her name is spring? i can't remember. i'd have to look it up."

"you...you go in for girls?"

"sure. sure, yeah. certain types of girls."

"you're more fun than i even thought possible," chris beamed. i was suddenly in a kissing mood and moved in for the kill. i figured after this conversation he wasn't going to mind a little make-out session. to my surprise, though, when i started to put my lips on his cheek, he pulled away slightly and looked uncomfortable.

"oh. no naughty?" i said, feeling a bit embarrassed and confused.

"not NOW. on naughty night!"

"oh."

i stood up from the couch then thinking i needed to clear my head. i walked from the room and into another room just down the hall. it was like an office cafeteria with sandwich and coke machines. i decided i wanted a coke and put my two dollar coin into the big glowing red machine's slot. chris came in behind me at that point and my coin seemed to get stuck. i got mad and hit the machine. chris came up behind me and put his arms around my waist. but i was obsessed with getting this can of coke. the coin fell out and i put it in again but no coke came out. i hit the machine again and a bunch of coins fell into the "return money" slot. chris's hands were moving up my body from behind, grabbing at my breasts. i was scooping the coins out of the slot and laughing, "there must be twenty bucks here!" i hit the machine again and suddenly it was like a slot machine, coins and bills pouring out the place coke cans were supposed to be coming out, just gushing. i slipped from chris's grasp and got on my knees and started to use the skirt part of my dress to gather up the hundreds if not thousands of dollars from the floor and the machine. i was so excited. money was pouring out from my dress and still coming out of the machine. i tried to stand up, lost my balance, and then chris steadied me.

"i think i'm rich!" i said, breathless into his sly face.

"you're also not wearing any underwear," he smirked.

then i woke up.

for a young boy i once knew

i've sat here quietly weeping into my wine glass
thinking that you think i wish i had one over you

but i haven't.

any power i had was given freely in a moment i cannot finger-point
but it had something to do with
a story you told me, unwilling.

when i made that wish long ago,
long before i even knew you,
or myself
i wasn't even sure what i was aching for.

through incidents and coincidence i feel
we pry one another from our shells
white underbellies exposed
and we don't even care
if the other devours us whole.

one day your life will be turned inside out by a knot
someone else loosened. it won't be your fault and it won't be a punishment
or consequence of some action you took
or failed to take. it'll just happen.
you'll be tempted to blame yourself - that's human.
oh ego! keep your feet on the ground. you'll be tempted to beat yourself up, oh!
it's about you!
and me too.
that was the swipe of a feather, the misbeat of a drum, the pebble you tripped on
the crowd that swallowed you whole
the tears your mother shed the day that you were born
the longing, the sweat, the easy frightened laughter let loose at a funeral;
the out of tune piano, the lost child, the tiny blue-black ant
you failed to notice on the edge of your coke can
and the subsequent sour-tasting bite on your lip.
it's a language you don't understand (but love)
and meringue on a pie, and clacking of high heels across a schoolroom floor.
it's your hand clenching in excitement and your mother's perfume
floating down hallways long after she's left.
it's not anything you can control, is what i'm saying.
you need to just feel your body hit the ground and pay yourself some mind,
you just need to put on your dancing shoes once in a while, yeah?
just to stamp around your living room and you need to
fall alone into bed with your heart open to everything it can feel
and answer my text messages
at midnight.
that undone knot means you're free and unbound by
what held you tight before.
i know it's scary, but i'll be waiting way down here
floating, all a-lonely, in the black water, waiting.
so jump.