i had a dream that i was trying to return a kid i didn't know to his school. i'd encountered him walking around looking lost on our street. i drove him back where he belonged and was looking for someone in charge to make sure they knew what happened.

it was an art school and i started to talk to some of the students there. i told them i dropped out of art school and one of the kids scoffed at me asking why i thought i was so special, and telling me how privileged i was to drop out when other kids couldn't even get to art school in the first place.

i started to try to defend myself by saying that i had fallen into a deep depression and it was probably the hardest year of my life.

the kid asked me to list everything that had gone wrong and that i thought had contributed to the depression and with every thing i listed (three loved ones dying in less than a year, my parents splitting up, drug use, childhood traumas coming to the forefront, my psychiatrist putting me on several new, different anti-depressants, my first love mistreating me and using me post-break-up) he would spit on the floor and scoff at me. i started to feel really angry and grabbed this kid (he couldn't have been more than 17) and said, "hey, man, seriously...have YOU ever been depressed?!"

and he kind of nodded and i said, "great, then. why don't you tell me all about it so that i can tear you down and let you know why it was a ridiculous way for you to feel." he grinned at me and i woke up.

the fate-bird of our ruin

i am no thief.
i do not abide thieves.
i will not house
covetous feelings
in my heart
for longer
than it takes
to have your mouth
on mine.

i steal nothing.
i will not tolerate theft.
i cannot touch one single patch
of warm, faithful skin
unless you bare it
willing and freely
to the zing
of my finger.

i do not want.
desire leads to suffering.
i think nothing of that heat
in your eyes
until it's clamped
round my thighs
and i've fallen prey to
the fate-bird
of our ruin.

i had this bizarre dream this morning that involved a lot of magic and weirdness. i watched a tiny elderly japanese woman walk on water in little wooden shoes. she was trying to scoop something up out of the ocean. she came back to shore and kind of collapsed. i lifted her up into my lap and she morphed into this guy from highschool, richard hamilton, that i hadn't thought of in years. because his name was right before mine on most attendance lists his locker would always be right next to mine. he was shy and we rarely spoke even though we were in school together for six years. i said, "richard! my god! what are you doing?" and he said, "what? nothing." and i said, "yes, you were! you were a little japanese lady and you walked on water!" and he said, "no i wasn't." it was so strange! then, at one point, i was in a fancy hotel, wandering around from lobby to restaurant to some ballroom party thing. eli was holding on to me from behind and we were running together and somehow defying gravity so that it was almost like we were running on the moon. i was laughing, he was laughing, we were happy. which is weird because i don't feel happy when i think about him during my waking hours. in fact just the oppposite. the end of the dream involved letting [info]sabyorange drive me around in my car because i was too drunk to do it myself, and she crashed into this big pallet of red bricks and then she and everyone else disappeared and i was drunk and lost in some strange city, and my phone's batteries were dead, so i couldn't call for help.